Poppy's Bucket List

This week my energy has been somewhere on the scale between zero and going nowhere fast.  I thought it was just a hormone thing or the fact that I’ve been battling a virus, but I could tell last night that it was more than that.

I have been working from home the past few days. So today at lunch I took a little walk with poppy and then sat out on the back porch with her for awhile. She was asleep when I found her. That always scares me because it took me so many years to wake her up the first time. But I did get her up and what I found wasn’t pretty. She was pissed. Pissed at me. Pissed at the world. She felt ignored, unloved, and bitter. I know that she is stuck around four years old and that is such a black/white age. And when she goes black… look out cause it gets black hole dark really quickly.

I have this thing I do with her. I get a notebook out and write her notes. And she writes back to me with my left hand. I think I read about the technique in a book once and it has always worked for us. I often let her draw pictures that way too. Anyway, today we were doing our thing… me telling her I love her and trying to calm her.. and her raging and telling me to F off basically. By the way…That was her first word and she likes to use it.

Eventually I got her attention with a simple question. “What do you want?”

It stopped her in her tracks and she finally listened to me. She was so stuck on being upset that she had forgotten to simply ask for what she wanted.

We took a few deep breaths and then it happened. She really woke up. The energy picked up and I could feel our vibration begin to rise. The ideas poured out of her and now I have a pretty good sized list of stuff she likes. It’s simple really. And the cutesy little girl things honestly make me want to roll my eyes a bit, but there is obviously something to them… Something I missed out on that needs to be enjoyed now. But what I see over and over again and finally got her to admit today is how much she just wants to be loved and cherished.

“I want someone to want me. To talk to me. To KNOW me. I don’t want to be alone. I want to have fun and I’m tired of worrying”

Of course I (the me now) am the only one who can give her what she needs. I know it. I get tired of it honestly… having to be the one to take care of things. It would be so much easier if Prince charming really could ride up in his white horse and take care of it all. But then that would just piss me off, because damn it.. I am the hero of this story!!!  I don’t want some prince to get the credit.

But it makes me wonder how many people have that same longing and don’t see that they are the only ones that can cure it. I think the majority of us are walking around looking for a magic pill that will change everything and give us peace and happiness. It may come in the form of “enough” money, power, adventure, family, security, or friendships. But the truth is that there is no magic pill. Life is going to be a challenge until the day we die and at a moment we could lose everything. The magic really is in the journey.

So for today I’m doing my best to give poppy the love and adoration she deserves. I feel blessed to have many in my life that I get to share love with as well. I am grateful for every one of them. And I hope that I am giving them enough of what they need as well. I have promised poppy to talk with her each morning and evening and work in as many things from her list as we can. I know I have to be the adult here and find a healthy balance. But I’m excited about making time for fun and play in my life. The boys need it and it’s obvious that I need it too.

Poppy's List: Play, Color, Car Ride, Games, Friends, Che, Movie, Park, Swing, Cook, Bake Cake and Cookies, Grow Garden, Sing, Cartwheels, Buy Pretty Dresses, Build Stuff

and of course Take Pictures.