Enough

“There comes a time in your life when you finally get it... When in

the midst of all your fears and insanity you stop dead in your tracks

and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out- ENOUGH! Enough

fighting and crying or struggling to hold on. And, like a child

quieting down after a blind tantrum, your sobs begin to subside, you

shudder once or twice, you blink back your tears and through a mantle

of wet lashes you begin to look at the world from a new perspective.

This is your awakening.”

Sonny Carroll

My heart is both sad and full of hope today.

It’s a strange mixture.

I am sad because I have had to part ways with a dear friend. It’s complicated and blah but it is what it is. My heart hurts at the loss, feels like a death really, but my heart is also still full of love and gratitude for the moments I shared with her that will burn in my memories forever.

Part of me wonders if there is more going on than is being presented to me, or if this is just the way she handles goodbye… quick and simple… “I don’t want to be friends anymore”.

It seems my mind has processed things much faster than my heart and only time will allow them to see eye to eye. So the waiting game begins and I ride the tide of emotions that come with it.

That’s where the hope comes in.

I am telling myself something I tell the boys often “you won’t always feel this way”.

I know it to be true. Time is the great healer and I know the sadness, anger, confusion and frustration will pass. I have hope that my heart will catch up with my mind and reach the place of acceptance.

This is a pattern in my life. Very close friendships that end abruptly. I see it and feel it deeply and knew immediately last night that there is a karmic lesson here for me. I believe these lessons contnue in our lives with every increasing pain and sacrifices that act as loud sirens to wake up and learn.

So I’m processing all of this through that filter and can see that I am handling this situation a little differently. In the past when I have lost someone close to me, I tended to beat myself up. I would look at everything I did that caused them to leave and then try to justify all of my actions in my own mind or just beat the crap out of myself for being so awful. I clung on, and made the decision that next time I would do better. Be more perfect.

But now I see the truth. Life doesn’t work that way. I am going to make mistakes. And believe me I have. But it’s part of the process. I have to make mistakes to learn. It sucks and there are always consequences for those mistakes. I do my best to stand and be true to my core beliefs daily, but I’m human and screw up. I also try to learn from my mistakes and make adjustments so that they don’t happen again. But sometimes the damage is done, and there is nothing left to do but forgive myself, accept the damage and move on with love. The other side of the same coin is that I cannot control other people. Sometimes things just don’t work out and not everyone is going to love and accept me as I am. That’s ok. It doesn’t change my worth or value. I believe the best thing to do is close the chapter with love and gratitude for the time we shared.

The other lesson in this situation for me is smaller but still significant. In the past I have easily allowed my identity to be determined by the people around me and the roles I played. (Wife,

mother, best friend, girlfriend, etc. ) I was “ok” if I could say I fit ito one of those roles. I judged my self-worth by the value of the people I surrounded myself with. If my kids were behaving, then

that meant I was a “good mother” and worthy. I see now that this behavior is a band-aid for the unworthy issues I still battle. But again, this go round I feel different. I see that my worth is not

determined by anything in my outer world. If I lost everyone and everything I would still be “ok”. It would hurt like hell and take time to heal but ultimately I would be able to pick up and start

again.

I’m not really sure where I’m going with all of this… just trying to process, let go and move on...