Taking another look

"Every good thought, every good word, every good emotion, and every act of kindness, is lifting the vibration of your being to new heights. And as you begin to raise your vibration, a new life and a new world will reveal itself to you."- Rhonda Byrne

The past 24 hours I have been stuck in a very old and familiar place. Shame.

It started with a simple but familiar trigger and spun out of control before I could get my grounding.

I tried every tool in my "pti-Jung" playbook. Took time for myself, talked to little poppy, asked for help from healthy adult, reached out to a few friends, took a long bath, picked up a pen and paper and attempted to write, more breathing, etc. Tears and more tears. The inner parts of me began to divide. My little poppy just wanted to climb in a hole and sleep forever, the tween was angry and wanted retribution against the trigger, the teenager wanted to get very drunk and skinny dip away the feelings, and the current me just felt lost and alone.

I heard a voice tell me to go back to the old benchmark pool and watch the clouds in the sky for some peace and clarity. So I threw on my suit and headed over there. Staring up in the sky with tears in my eyes all I can see is a giant question mark. The absurdity made me literally laugh out loud. Alone on the side of the pool crying my eyes out about what???? I couldn't even tell you. Just that I felt like a failure in every imaginable way. I could see nothing good in me.. Only darkness and seriously thought I might be one short stop from the crazy house.

But one thought of clarity did make it's way to the surface.... A question really..

"why so serious? Is it really that bad?"

I realized that the incident that triggered this plunge into the depths of my darkness came from a common situation. Where I'm doing my thing and then wham someone tells me I am doing something horribly wrong. And that it is so wrong they can longer be in my presence or have anything to do with me." the common pieces are

1 - I'm unaware of the egregious behavior

2 - I'm isolated and punished as a result

Of course the incident that happened yesterday was minor in the grand scheme of things. Annoying, frustrating, sad but time will heal the problem and I'll get through it.

But it is always so interesting and perplexing to me how a minor incident in the present can trigger up the volcanic feelings from the past that I thought were healed and released.

So.. Given the new realization I packed myself up and headed to Che's. I needed touch. I needed a friend. I needed someone to look at me and tell me to lighten up and that I'd be ok. I needed some ice down the back of my shirt.

I have been floating through the aftermath today as well. Poppy is still very much up and on the surface. We're spending lots of time talking and getting feelings out. I'm doing my best to play with her, to help her release her anger and fear and mostly I'm reassuring her that no matter what happens on the outside, inside I love her very much and will never leave her.

So we float through the sadness and then I show her another perspective, that we can use everything to push through and find our own joy, our own happiness. That is the ultimate gift of life, realizing that no person or situation can take away our happiness and peace. Only we can take it away from ourselves. And I refuse to do so.

No I choose to be thankful instead. I am thankful for the gifts and challenges in my life. Somedays it does feel crazy, like a big question mark in the sky, but that's ok. It's all part of the journey.