Acceptance of the Dark

“The acceptance of oneself is the essence of the whole moral problem and the epitome of a whole outlook on life. That I feed the hungry, that I forgive an insult, that I love my enemy in the name of Christ -- all these are undoubtedly great virtues. What I do unto the least of my brethren, that I do unto Christ. But what if I should discover that the least among them all, the poorest of all the beggars, the most impudent of all the offenders, the very enemy himself -- that these are within me, and that I myself stand in need of the alms of my own kindness -- that I myself am the enemy who must be loved -- what then? As a rule, the Christian's attitude is then reversed; there is no longer any question of love or long-suffering; we say to the brother within us "Raca," and condemn and rage against ourselves. We hide it from the world; we refuse to admit ever having met this least among the lowly in ourselves.”― C.G. Jung, Memories, Dreams, Reflections


I ran across this quote on my friend Jim Palmer's Facebook page. He was there for me as I struggled through letting go of religion and stepping into my own truth about God and light. The quote above is exactly why I chose to walk away from the black and white version of God that I was raised with.

I remember being taught that I was a miserable and rotten soul but because of Jesus sacrifice I had been saved and redeemed. The whole thing never made sense to me after I had children. This idea that God would hate his creation.. Be disgusted by it until it was purified by sacrifice. I love my children more than words can describe and while I get frustrated with them when they misbehave, I never despise or hate them.

I remember having coffee with a very close friend when I was on the edge of walking away from my roots. I told her I just couldn't believe in a God that said he loved me but would be willing to burn me in hell for eternity if I didn't say the right words or behave in a certain manner. That it just didn't settle in my soul that that was the correct view of God. She said very simply "Angie that's judgment. It's just the way it is." I could no longer walk through life with that belief. It did not settle in my soul and I knew it. I told her so and she told me that we could no longer be friends. She told me I was too dangerous for her because I made her question everything. Of course I was offended, hurt, sad and angry but I let that relationship go. It still saddens me today the hole that was left from her parting.

But one thing is clear. I have to be true to my heart or I cannot function. It's just how I'm made. I know some can gloss over the stuff that doesn't make sense and continue their paths willy nilly. But I can't. I wrestle within myself until I feel clear and at peace.

All that to say that the quote above reinforced another truth for me today. I believe most people are harder on themselves than anyone else. Last week when the shame cloud hovered over me I thought a ton about this and had a few talks with Che about it too.

I asked "Why am I so hard on myself? If people around me screw up I'm usually full of grace and can see that they are just human. I look to the underlying hurt in them that caused the behavior. I don't excuse it or say it's ok but I understand it... And I am quick to forgive and let go of the action. But when I screw up myself I feel the need to lash my back and beat the living pulp out of my soul. I struggle to let it go for fear the monster inside of me will take over."

Che answered with something I believe to be very true. "We are our own worst critics and we can't keep secrets from ourselves."

I agree completely and it's why I believe the cure to shame is love and light. I have learned the cure is to admit to myself and others exactly what I don't want to admit without excuse. When light is shined on the deepest darkest corners and acceptance and forgiveness is received in return, an amazing healing energy takes place. It is miraculous. I believe it is the true message of Christianity.. of grace... Acceptance and forgiveness of the human condition. It is not an open call for egregious behavior, but instead a call to love. Because when that grace takes hold we are released from the addictions and shame and motivated to spread love and do good things in the world. Of course there are always repercussions from our unhealthy and hurtful choices. There is always healthy guilt and I believe strongly in making amends for our discretions. But I am done with the self flagellation.