Everything Changes

Everything Changes from Hopeful World on Vimeo.

Everything changes.

What if that's the best news of all?

That we can change

That we can reimagine our lives

Without blame

Without judgment

With a certain kind of grace that comes from knowing we don't control it all

There is a way that we have to face these things alone

but it doesn't mean that we're the only one.

In every moment of doubt and despair,

There's a moment of doubt and despair being felt somewhere else in the world.

And there is no way for us to be disconnected from each other's suffering or each other's joy.

Both of these things are there at the same time.

We're together.

This is what it means to belong to the human family.

What if the gift is the ending?

What if your silent wish is the beginning of a new dream?

Your loss is the birthplace of hope.

Your mistakes are a new place to begin again.

Your goodbye is the beginning of a new life.

Leaning In

Love it will not betray you, dismay or enslave you, it will set you free
Mumford and Sons

The words above have been singing in my mind lately.

When my relationship with Che ended I scoffed at those words.

“Oh yeah? That’s BS. I am dismayed, enslaved and betrayed and in no way do I feel free in this moment”

But slowly I began to see the truth

Relationship is not Love
Relationship is two souls doing their best to share love
But it is not love itself

Love can only be received from the divine and poured out when our cup overfills
The overflow is relationship
But Love is the unconditional infinite energy that surpasses all understanding

And the other thing I know now without a doubt

When we allow that love into our deepest darkest neediest angry dark places, everything changes

I see inside of me a precious infant girl

As I have talked about before, I have been working on loving her for a long time now

A great part of me felt she was a mistake and had no purpose being here 
(even though my logical mind disagreed)

But as I thought back to the moments that I held Roland and Hayden in my arms for the first time.

The memory of the sheer joy and love and responsibility at meeting these tiny souls overwhelmed me.

If I close my eyes and take a breath I can see my own infant self resting in my arms

That same joy and love and responsibility fills me

The loneliness and desperation from this shift in my life has allowed me to dig deep enough to find her

And by grace I have found a way to allow divine love in like I have never allowed it before.

Some days I succeed and others… well I’m human

I know through lots of experience now that I have to release all the stuff that blocks the love

Anger, resentment, jealousy, judgment those things are energy that get trapped in our bodies

But with work they can be released

The shift is not easy. It takes every ounce of bravery and courage that I have inside of me

It is so much easier to just be angry or hurt or full of shame

But I believe that infant girl deserves better than that.

She deserves to have someone fight for her and guide her along the path

She deserves to experience love and connection with both spirit and other souls

We are a work in progress, no doubt and will be till we take our last breath

We are full of paradox and hypocrisy. Love and Fear, Trust and Jealousy, Joy and Sadness

We all are

During a breakup it’s so much easier to get through, if you can just be angry and look at 
only the negatives of the person you are choosing to walk away from.

It is so easy to choose distraction and self pity.

The harder road is to see the person fully, the healthy and unhealthy, the quirks, the things that make your heart leap, the good times and the hard times and to stay with the ache of the loss.

I see it all. I am grateful for it all because everything led me right here to this moment.

I have made lists of everything our relationship allowed me to believe about myself and everything I allowed myself to experience because I was in it.

Those things don't disappear now that the relationship is changed. I will hold onto them with gratitude.

I know the heart ache was worth every moment of bliss and connection I felt leading up to it.

I remember moments of pure “cup overflowing” connection. Two souls locked together in a moment outside of time.

Looking back I want more of that connection. I crave it. My heart longs to see and be seen again. But then a new energy floods my body and I realize I am simply grateful I had that experience. If it comes again, awesome, if not I will continue to be grateful for it. It was enough.

I feel a strange mixture of relief and missing him. I feel like part of my heart is still with him and his gracious shadow follows me wherever I go.

The push and pull is tedious and intense. The only way I know through is to keep coming back to myself

To keep seeking connection with the love that surrounds me and fills me and ALLOW it in

I let go of hurry and distraction and rest in this moment.
This very moment with a lonely heart crying out in gratitude 

Everything is occurring in its perfect time.

I am learning about letting go of what’s real

Letting go of the imagined
Letting go of dreams held on pedestals
Letting go of wanting more
And allowing myself to notice what I already have.

Today I decided it's time to try out some new ways of doing things to see if they bring more peace through this transition.

I’ll give them a week and check in to see what is working and what can be left behind.

• Get up 15 minutes before I need to wake the boys to meditate, connect with the divine and be in silence.
• Keep my phone out of my hands when I’m in bed. No facebooking, instagramming, mindless games or internet surfing before I go to bed or when I first wake up. They lower my energy and take me away from myself.
• Cook and enjoy delicious meals. Savor each bite.
• Flow with the tide of emotions and allow them all. I have learned that if I take just a few minutes to find a quiet place and allow the intense ones to come up, they only last about 90 seconds. But if I hold them in they sit simmering all day or explode in BAD ways.
• List at least 3 things I’m grateful for in my Day One app. I have been doing this for a few months now and it is so so good.
• Write, Read and Listen to Audio Books – fill my mind with positive, encouraging and helpful ideas instead of allowing my monkey mind to go wild. But also take time each day to write out whatever needs to be said.
• Look for opportunities to give. Put flowers on a heartbroken girls door. Pay for the coffee of the person in line behind me. Send a care package to a dear friend who's life is also in deep transition, send a real hand-written letter to a friend, smile at my office mates, say thank you to the cleaning lady in the gym.. little things that make a big difference
• Reach out for connection - but in a healthy way. Similar to drinking alcohol. If  I "need it" then nope, take time to reconnect with myself first. But otherwise go out and connect!

I don't have my own words...

But these are where I'm at.. Right now in this moment.

Not super proud but cutting myself some slack. Taking time to nurture that little girl inside who is so so scared right now. 

We can do this sweet girl. I love you.

Tiny Wisdom: Be Good to Yourself

By Lori Deschene

“Be gentle first with yourself if you wish to be gentle with others.” -Lama Yeshe

All too often we’re unforgiving and cruel to ourselves in a way we’d never treat our friends.

We’d never look a friend in the eyes and tell her she’s not good enough. We’d never beat a friend up over one mistake he made years ago. We’d never expect a friend to move mountains when she’s exhausted and clearly needs a rest.

Why do we sometimes do these things to ourselves?

So often when we think about self-love, we think about the big picture—forgiving ourselves for past mistakes and accepting ourselves, imperfections and all.

But in much the same way we show love in relationships through tiny acts of appreciation and consideration, we can love ourselves through small, maybe even random acts of kindness.

For me, that means allowing myself to relax if I need to, even if I feel like I should be productive. It means treating myself to a nice lunch every now and then, even if I feel I should save money. It means responding to negative thoughts in my head with the same uplifting advice I’d give my sister.

Sometimes it also means seeing in the mirror that little girl who I used to be—the little girl who always did her best and wanted nothing to more than to have someone hug her and tell her it was good enough. It’s my job to do that now.

It’s all of our jobs.

Today, give yourself the consideration and kindness you’d extend to the people you love. If you’re dissatisfied with your progress, remind yourself of all you’ve accomplished. If you made a mistake, cut yourself from slack. If you’re tired, take it easy.

All the goodness you put out into the world starts with how you treat yourself.

Passing it Forward

Sometimes I am awe struck by the grace and love surrounding us all.

Even in the midst of grief and loss I am surrounded.

And even more amazing to me is that so much of the grace and love I am receiving is coming from the very person with the most reasons to hold it back from me.

Love can conquer all even in the midst of great pain. Courage and trust allows us to follow through on what we believe.

Thank you Che for your grace. For your acceptance, for your love.

I pass forward the love and light you have shown me in the hopes it can spread and touch even more people that need it.

What is True for you, Right now in this Moment?

Friday afternoon this question came to mind as I stared into the bathroom mirror. 

Soul gazing with myself the answer came 

"You are exactly where you are supposed to be, even if it is uncomfortable"

A deep breath and that truth coursed through my veins. Hope and acceptance filled me and a level of peace.

Throughout the day I felt inspired to ask that same question to passing strangers, friends and family.

The answers brought more peace, more hope and an awareness of how similar we all are at our cores. And thankfully the answers brought laughter as well!

Here are the anonymous answers.  

C (security guard): I am a people person. When no one goes through this gate my energy drops. But when I see smiling faces and hear hellos it lifts me up inside.

C: I love you. I love my kids.

K: I am grateful

J: No matter how frustrated you get with your kids you always end up missing them after leaving the house to just get away for a bit.

E: I really believe there are people left in the world that re purely good. They just have to be sought after and maybe loved a little harder on.

E: Truth is uncertainty

B: Right now, I am scared shitless, in love and terrified of being hurt.

C: I am bloated and trying not to fart!

B: Fear of releasing the fear of not knowing.

P: I want my life here to have meaning and purpose that will be lasting.

D: I love my kids and husband dearly. I love being outdoors I love food (probably not a good thing) Hate that I can't stay focused and lose weight.

J: I might be in love with someone who is totally perfect for me, but also totally not.

C: I feel relaxed right now. It is cloudy and I am enjoying the company of my girls as we wrap up a delicious late lunch.

L: I hate having strange people around me. I am surrounded by them now (rephrased to give anonymity)

J: I am a good writer. And I want something delicious to eat.

W: The existence of the substance of things unseen but hoped for is a reality. Through vision, ambition and drive the humility of faith is strengthening.

H: Nature puts me in perspective. The simple beauty that is but complex in needs. It seems effortless but rain, sun, air, bees.. so much needed to thrive. I thrive but need things to do so also, friends, love, humor, compassion, relevance.. so much shapes what we are and what others see

M: I love my girls unconditionally even if I may get angry or mad their hearts are always forgiving and loving. I've been a mean PMS mama this week.

E: I am becoming closer to God.

M: Love is all that makes my life worthwhile, and at the same time it is tied to pain that is almost too much to handle. Lots of mixed emotions these days.

J: PTSD

J: I am ready for all the kids to go back to school. I feel disorganized.

L: I am loved



I hope to add to the list. If you have a truth that you would like to share, feel free to contact me and I will add it above.

Lighter Legs

This week has been interesting to say the least. It feels out of time and wobbly and like I’m doing my best to just put one foot in front of the other.

There is a trust and peace coming from finding little moments of joy. They are like the rocks I’m skipping to cross this rushing river bed. Sometimes I slip into the river and the current of grief pulls me under. But each time I stand back up and find another rock to stand on.

Last night I found a boulder. I tried a new yoga class with my incredible friend Erin. Two local musicians were playing live during the class. We started in child’s pose as Rachel sang her version of crazy.

That current pulled me under and I wept. My body pumped with grief but I kept moving. Through each song I pushed and pulled and felt the strength of my body to persevere. We danced and bounced and I felt things shifting inside of me. As we stretched our legs above our bodies with straps a new song started. 

Yellow

Oh that is my love song to Roland. I sang it over and over and over again to him as an infant. We would rock and swing in his room for hours. That memory filled me and I couldn’t resist singing along. Soon many of us yogi wanna be’s were singing and swaying our legs to the rhythm. Like lighters in a concert our feet swayed as a greeting to the singers in tribute. And then the biggest belly laugh took over my soul. I laughed from my head to my toes. And it was all so beautiful.

The unexpected makes us feel alive.

It is hard to hold on and trust sometimes but it’s worth it to feel that gush of  love coming from somewhere bigger than ourselves.

I ran into Rachel again later than night (because i kinda want to be the president of her fan club) This time at a favorite local bar. She is a beautiful soul and I saw a mirror in her to connect with the ironies of life. To let them form who you are, because the mixture of grief and joy is gorgeous.

There have been many other rays of light this week. Some I had to search out and some found me unexpectedly like the moment above. I am taking time each day to list at least three blessings in the day. I know I will look back some day and be thankful I did that. Because  as much as we ask for the blessings if we don’t open our eyes and our hearts to them, we will miss them when they come.

It’s little things like a new friend at work who gave me an unexpected hug in the bathroom right when I needed one.

A community of connections that are lifting my spirit… Old friends found again that have just the right words like “you are the artist of your soul. Your life is good and you are beautiful. Allow yourself to experience the abundance that is surrounding you”

Watching a lady bug hold on tight to my windshield wiper and laughing out loud to myself as I urge her to hold on.

Running and doing yoga to feel strong.  Remembering that I run for me alone… not to compete with anyone or shape my body. (Those are side benefits)  But I run because it makes ME happy.

Noticing how the phrase “Be still and know” is surrounding me and showing up in life in interesting ways.

Reflecting on those last moments I shared with Che. I am grateful for them as painful as they are. It could have ended with hard words and anger but it didn’t. It was calm and loving. I will always cherish those last moments.

Hearing from him and feeling the shift begin. The shift to the new us where we still have each other’s backs. It’s a gift we both want that.

Pausing as I write to close my eyes and listen to the breath inside of me.

I am here. I am alive. Peace and joy are gurgling along with grief and sadness. Life wouldn’t be life without all of them.

Thank you universe for guiding and loving us all through the journey.

Thank you for surrounding us always in love.

Thank you self for opening your eyes and heart and letting it in.

Firsts and Lasts

I remember the First time I gazed into your eyes and told you I love you. Nina Simone was playing and I knew... I knew without a doubt something really good was entering my life.

It's poetic that the final clarity came in the same manner. Staring into your beautiful eyes it was clear. I love you but I have to let you go. My heart trembled and froze. No!! But it was a clear calling that I could not deny.

Firsts and Lasts are cruel. This shift is like a death but even more painful. Because we're both still around and we have to watch each other go on, living our lives with the pain and the joy. But as you told me yesterday, you are worth every moment of that pain.

The Last time I watch you play with my boys where everything feels natural. They don't know this is the last time. It feels out of time watching them laugh and giggle knowing they will never have this again... Not like this

Reminds me of sedona where we sat gazing up at cathedral rock. You said you were taking a moment because "I will never see this again. not like this" and you were so right baby. That was the last and I just didn't know it. 

The Last found note from you.

"I will always love you" glowing on my computer screen. I wept. I had to run to shut the door to my room so the boys wouldn't hear. Crumpling to the floor, I wept.

The last time I wash the sheets and your scent away. I fold your jeans and shirt delicately. Holding them to my heart and weep some more.

Why heart why? Why did we have to do this? Surely I misunderstood. Love like this doesn't come around often. Why? But a gentle voice tells me to hold on and reminds me that I didn't rush to this decision. It reminds me of the ache I felt every day that led to it's occurrence. Big deep breath. 

First night without "good night baby I'll see you soon"

First morning without "good morning baby I love you"

I don't feel like me without giving and receiving those messages.

We are losing not only a lover but a best friend because the lines are not clear. They cross cross like cracks in the pavement. And the friendship is so painful to separate. Right now it will only lead to hanging on. Can time heal that? Please tell me it can. Because the thought of my life completely void of you is too much to bare.

But even with the pain I would not erase one single memory with you.

I think of eternal sunshine of the

Spotless mind. Would I choose to erase your memories so that I could remove the pain? No way in hell. Instead I accept the pain as the pay for all the Joy and Love. This is just part of life. The yin/yang. It will be ok... With time and as you said the warm hands of life will surround us again.

In the end you were right I had to be true to myself and walk away because as incredible as we are it is not enough for me

I hate that

I tell myself to suck it up and deal. To choose to be happy with what is. And God knows I tried. I wore acceptance like an evening gown with grace and humility.

But it wasn't enough. My heart continued to sink daily at the absences of you in my life and with no hope of them being filled I knew I had to make the painful decision.

There is a place inside of me that can never be replaced by anyone else. I am cleaning up, covering the couches with sheets and preparing to shut that door for the last time. Oh that last time.

That last time we made love.

That last kiss outside your car. 

That last time we held each other in my room 

That last time I felt your fingertips against mine as I walked back in the house.

Those lasts were incredible gifts and are a testament to the love we shared. They are sealed in a box in that room in my heart. They are part of my light and hope now. 

I want to text you 

Again

And

Again

To let you know I'm thinking of you

That I still love you

But I can't

I had to rip the band aid to let you go

And now it feels like its hanging precariously from one tiny sticky part to the side of my leg.

Can I pull the rest off and shut that door to that place in my heart for the last time

The last time

I know I need to but I don't have the strength right now

It's such a beautiful place we created. So full of love and acceptance and comfortable silence when we were in it together.

In time I will be able to close it but today I'm tidying up a little more. It's what I do when I'm in stress as you know full well. I'm washing the dishes and going through the notes.. So many notes. I'm playing  all of our songs on the piano and taking my time to say goodbye.

I love you. I always will.