This blog is my place to work things out in my head.. to ponder.. to let go and to breathe out the mental friction. It is my place to be real and share who I really am in hopes that my words will relate to another traveler of life and provide some hope or guidance for them. This is my place to stand and be true. I am struggling today. Finding the balance between frustration, hope, honest self-reflection, anger, love and peace. I am struggling with a difficult relationship in my life. I want to own my short comings and seek forgiveness for my actions that have hurt them, but I also am tired of feeling like I have to crawl on my knees to try to have a relationship with them. Really sick of that feeling actually. I know love is the way through. Love and forgiveness. I see the gift in the struggle as well. There are many things I can learn about myself.. pointing the way to fine tuning who I am and how I walk through life. I know I have been addicted to both relationships and drama in my past. It is easy to get sucked into them again. So tempting to mull over the broken conversation over and over again in my head. To tear myself apart for the words that hurt them (even though that was never my intention). So easy to tear them apart for not accepting my apology. So easy to fume at the fact that the past is standing like a wall between us... creating a filter of distrust and fear on both sides. So tempting to play he said/she said with a friend to hear those magic words "you didn't do anything wrong". So easy to say "fuck you. I'm done." and tell myself I will wear a mask of fake kindness for the rest of my days around them. But those are all the easy roads. I tip toe down them and then see my reflection in the puddle of the path. No that is not me. I have to take the hard road instead. Eat my pride. Believe in something bigger. Raise my head and walk the path of love.
My dear friend Jim Palmer posted this the other day. Sometimes I feel like his words are speaking directly from my body.
This way we are living is broke. I hate to tell you that there is no magic wand or bullet for fixing it. God is not going to change this or rescue us from it. You and I wove this web of lies, and only you and I can undue it, and it’s not going to be undone all at once.Stop participating in the system that doesn’t work! Consider your purpose going forward to be weaving a new reality. Stop repaying evil with evil or insult with insult. In the current system, people tear down each other. We judge, condemn, reject, diminish, slander, gossip, punish, lie, cheat, steal, ignore, ridicule, withhold love and acceptance, and harbor all kinds of resentments against others. If you sow thoughts, words and actions to that monster, one day you are going to be swallowed whole by it.
So where does all this stop? With you! As far as you are concerned, that system is done… as in, gone, dead, finished! Game over! There’s a new kid in town and it’s you, weaving strands of love, peace, kindness, acceptance, generosity, acceptance, goodness, beauty, understanding, empathy, and encouragement. Realize that when others are thinking, speaking or acting in destructive, hurtful, ugly, selfish, and senseless ways it’s because they are lost to themselves and who they really are. So, if you respond in-kind to their way, you are only reinforcing the lie in them and yourself.
The foundation of the new way you are weaving is love. In any circumstance or with any person, you can find your way by asking the question: What does it mean right now for me to be love? Listen to your heart, trust your inner guidance – whatever the answer to that question is for you, weave that strand. And when you do, know that you just made the truth a little more possible, a little more visible, a little more present in our world. The reality is that we got ourselves into this mess. We can get ourselves out of it.”
I am taking Jim's advice and asking that very question. "What does it mean right now for me to be love?
My heart says.. give it time and space... lots of space. You can't push this one. Trust that in time the wall of the past will fall. Don't give up hope. Don't add to the wall. Send love instead. See how badly they are hurting and send them love. Let go of the anger. Get it out. Scream in the car when no one is around. But direct the anger to the light. It is big enough and strong enough to burn through it with love. Stay true to what you know is the right path for you and be strong in it. You will get through this and love will win even if it just means that you know you have been true to yourself.
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