Hello darkness my old friend

The bathroom door opens.

A slight smile and eyes dart to the ground.

“Hey how are you?”

Without hesitation

“Good. How are you?”

The unmemorable answer fades as I walk away.

My heart hurts. But why.

“you lied, it says”

“But this isn’t the place for real conversation.”

“If not here, then where?”
“If not now, then when?”
“Maybe you wouldn’t dread this place if you were able to be real”

But honestly….
Do they really want to know?
Do I?

cold hard dirt
disguising layers of life
part of me wants you to peek in and look beneath the cracks
see more than I am willing to share..

the unbound joy
Piercing pain
Light
Dark
Love
Hate
Envy
Peace
Wisdom
Laziness

They are all there and I know they are inside of you too.
Why do we hide them from each other?
Why do we pretend we are fine when we are not?
What would the world look like if we were honest and real?

I know it’s idealistic.
But I’m tired of hiding.
I’m tired of pretending I have my shit together.
I’m also tired of containing the joy when it does fill my heart.

I am erratic.. a roller coaster.. an ocean tide of being.
It makes me feel crazy.
This week has been an epic week of said erraticism.

Darkness, my old friend, paid a visit and tried his best to hide every ounce of light and goodness I know. Felt like a migraine in my soul.
But love called me home and gave me a safe place to land.
Love whispered in my ear and told me “it’s not about the grand things Angie, it’s the little things. The little moments are where hope is born”
Those aren’t the exact words, but it’s what I received into my soul that lit my flame and helped me return to the land of the living.
I hate the dark.
Hate when it takes over me and I can only see misery and pain in this world.
But I know that sometimes we need a test to prove that we really believe our truths.
I no longer feel like a fool for believing in goodness and light.
But I do know that I can’t sum up my beliefs in simple one sentence quips.
Life is murkier than that.
I have to accept that.
Accept that the dark will not go away forever.
He will continue to pay me visits.. test my resolve
But having passed this latest test, I know full well he will have a more difficult time blinding my light in the future.
I am thankful for the dear ones in my life that pulled me up and shared a moment with me.
A sweet smile that shared her own struggle and let me be real about my own.
A loving text that reminded me to do something I love and reach out for help.
Warm arms that surrounded me and held me as long as I needed.
But mostly I’m thankful for the images of my sweet boys’ faces who pulled me back to reality when I needed it most.

I have always seen my life as a path that I had to walk. And with this imagery came the unrealistic idea that I would be able to “get past” things. That I would work through a challenge and then be past that obstacle. But I’m beginning to think of life in a different way. My friend Derek puts it best..
“Life is an ocean, not a path I think. Ebbs and flows. Changes of direction with the tides. Storms alter courses. You’ll find your way again as long as you keep searching for it.”

I see great truth in these words. I feel the ebbs and flows in my soul and it reminds me to just flow with it. The good days and the bad. To take note of the little moments that make my fire burn brighter and use them when darkness comes to visit again.


As I drove to work this morning Simon and Garfunkel's "the sound of silence” came on. A more appropriate song could not have played as I pondered these thoughts. I don’t know if they will speak to you as they do me. But for me it’s on repeat today reminding me to not stay silent. To reach out to the people around me and give support without fear.


Sound of Silence

Hello darkness, my old friend,
I've come to talk with you again,
Because a vision softly creeping,
Left its seeds while I was sleeping,
And the vision that was planted in my brain
Still remains
Within the sound of silence.

In restless dreams I walk alone
Narrow streets of cobblestone,
'Neath the halo of a street lamp,
I turned my collar to the cold and damp
When my eyes were stabbed by the flash of a neon light
That split the night
And touched the sound of silence.

And in the naked light I saw
Ten thousand people, maybe more.
People talking without speaking,
People hearing without listening,
People writing songs that voices never share
And no one dared
Disturb the sound of silence.

"Fools" said I,"You do not know
Silence like a cancer grows.
Hear my words that I might teach you,
Take my arms that I might reach you."
But my words like silent raindrops fell,
And echoed
In the wells of silence

And the people bowed and prayed
To the neon god they made.
And the sign flashed out its warning,
In the words that it was forming.
And the signs said, 'The words of the prophets are written on the subway walls
And tenement halls.
And whisper'd in the sounds of silence.