Poppy's Playhouse

Remember when I talked about that big project I’m birthing into my life?

Well it’s time to spill the beans on what I’ve been up to.

A while back I had an aha inspirational moment.

Walking through a local antique and craft market, I thought “I could do that” as I gazed at some cool handmade jewelry made from old spoons and forks.

I have had this thought many times as I browsed pinterest or stood in awe at an art gallery.

But this time it stuck with me in a new way.

I realized that many people feel this way and have a longing to make stuff just like I do.

And when I put that together with my deep deep longing for connection, a small business idea was born.

A community “I can make that too” party center and event biz

I have seen this idea played out at places like Pinot’s Palette or Purple Glaze.

But my experience with those type of venues was honestly lacking in creativity.

I do not want to create what everyone else is creating.

Yes I want to be inspired by others, but I want to add my unique touch and flair to my creations.

I think other people feel the same way.

So I’m creating a space for people to come together to make stuff and play.

Creativity + Community

Yes!

And the best part is that this totally lines up with my skill set

Organized, budget conscious, creative, make it happen attitude and a loving heart that embraces strangers with open arms

I CAN’T WAIT

Seriously

It has been a LOT of work getting everything set up and going

And I’m choosing to start slow so that I can keep the rest of my life in balance and actually enjoy the process

Soon I will have a website with all of the info and events, but for now I am using facebook as the hub for parties.

Patience Angie Patience

The inner demons are having fun now that the first event is nearing (one week away!!!)

The new skill set I have learned over this past year of staying curious when emotions and panic rise is really helping.

My support system has been amazing too. Close friends, family and Che have encouraged me to go for this. Their support has meant so much, especially on those hard days of failed experiments and “who do I think I am to do this” thoughts.

I have big hopes for this project but I’m also not holding on too tight to the outcome.

It is a big experiment that I am ready to face with conscious commitment and joy

Wish me luck and I hope to see your smiling face at Poppy’s a Playhouse soon.

Transcending Her

"I think anybody who falls in love is a freak. It's a crazy thing to do. It's kind of like a form of socially acceptable insanity." Her

Finally got the chance to watch Her last night with Che.

And like transcendence, it tickled that philosophical part of my brain.

It raises questions about our future interactions with technology and the definitions of consciousness and humanity.

Che and I have this theory that many of these movies are really test markets to see how society reacts to new technological possibilities. This movie is full of those.

I love a movie that makes me think, but totally engulfs me at the same time. It has been refreshing to enjoy these two.

My overall judgement of a movie comes from how I feel after watching it (hello cancer nature). And both of these movies left me feeling hopeful, lighter and grateful for the connections in my life.

I say yes to that and recommend watching them for yourself.

Connect with me

Feeling disconnected or separate from a group of people is a familiar pattern in my life

It started early

In fact, I believe it started before I took my first breath

It is a story that I hold deep in my soul, that I am not good enough to be part of the whole

And so I have attracted this story to my life with different players

Often a watcher, I hide behind a shield of invisibility

Feeling like a victim of the group

When really I am the aggressive one

Locking myself away so they cannot see me

The story has gotten clearer over time

And it still shows up in my life today

Parents that are still disconnected

Longing for deep friendships and happy gatherings

Feeling alone in a crowd of hundreds of people

I do not deny the blessings in my life

A soul mate to walk with

A closeness with my children

Extended family with cordial and kind interactions

But I long for more

I want to go deeper

I want simply

To feel Supported

Accepted exactly as I am

And to be able to return the same

I am noticing that the more I show myself this acceptance and kindness

The more those doors are opening with other souls around me

When I am vulnerable, honest and kind

I often receive the same

But it doesn’t take the sting out of the pain when the ones I want the most to feel this way with

Simply don’t show up

I struggle with my relationship with my parents

We are not close

My mother has a painful habit of making promises she cannot keep

Or simply not committing at all

I invited her for mother’s day dinner

The scene played in my mind, a lovely dinner around the table with laughter and flowers in cute little mason jars

She did not come

And I couldn’t bring myself to set that table for just myself

So instead mother’s day dinner was thrown together last minute and felt just like any other meal

I realize Mother’s day is simply a man made holiday

But no matter how much I tell myself that, it still hurts

It felt like an opportunity to take things to that deeper level

To look in my mom’s eyes or my children to look into mine and know that we are really there for each other

Unfortunately I allowed my disappointment with my own mother, to stop me from connecting with my own children

I understand why, But I choose differently now

I choose to determine my own worth instead of allowing other people’s human behaviors to dictate it for me.

The same is true as I walk into work this morning.

I see co-workers digging through party supplies to prepare to celebrate another co-workers wedding.

I feel the blood drain out of my body

Why did they not do the same for me?

It hurt when my wedding came and went and no one at my office celebrated it with me

I had let it go and figured it just wasn’t how my office mates handled things

But to see it being prepared for someone else stung HARD

I felt deep shame.

“What’s so wrong with me?”

And I let out a snarky remark as a result

“I thought we didn’t have any wedding decorations” as I passed one lady by

Deep breaths in my office

Remembering to STAY with myself To show kindness and compassion for the hurt I was feeling

Wise words filling my mind with each deep breath

“don’t take things personally. Everyone is on their own path. Their decisions have nothing to do with you”

I find the lady I spoke unkindly to and apologize.

I am honest about the hurt I was feeling but tell her I’m sorry for taking it out on her.

She accepts and looks at me with understanding eyes.

In each moment I have a choice To stay locked into the cycle of hurt and let it continue the old story

Or to let go and move forward

It’s interesting that the letting go involves staying

Staying with the pain long enough to see the gift in it

And then owning the truth of my worthiness and power to create the life I desire

I am thankful for these lessons

Especially on a day after receiving some news that in the past I would have called “bad”

But really I see that every single thing that happens to us, gives us an opportunity to grow closer to ourselves and each other

I pray for myself and my loved ones that we would take the disappointments and difficult paths as opportunities to grow together instead of apart.

And this is not me just trying to spin difficult news

In allowing what unfolds to unfold without judgment, we will find freedom

I know this to be true.

No feeling is final

God speaks to each of us as he makes us,
then walks with us silently out of the night.

These are the words we dimly hear:

You, sent out beyond your recall,
go to the limits of your longing.
Embody me.

Flare up like a flame
and make big shadows I can move in.

Let everything happen to you: beauty and terror.
Just keep going. No feeling is final.
Don't let yourself lose me.

Nearby is the country they call life.
You will know it by its seriousness.

Give me your hand.
Rainer Maria Rilke

I heard this poem while listening to a Pema Chodron audio on Spotify, which I have been doing for the last several months on my morning commute. This practice of starting my day with wisdom and laughter (she is actually really funny) has been really good for me.

Pema describes the quote as one of the most valuable teachings on impermanence ever written.

I have to agree

Especially this part:

Let everything happen to you: beauty and terror.
Just keep going. No feeling is final.

In moments of pain or frustration (aka 3 minute plank in gym class), I remember “this feeling won’t last”

In moments of bliss(aka finding another love note on the typewriter from Che), I remember “this feeling won’t last”

I am learning to live in each moment, fully

I am learning to relax with it, to observe and to be grateful to simply be alive and ride this roller coaster we call life

Today I went for a run downtown on my lunch break

Passing strangers, noticing the clouds above me and the road below me

The ever changing grade and change in surroundings is why I love to run outside.

Treadmills bore me and I refuse to spend my exercise time on them

And today I realized why

It’s all about the shifting

Without change life would feel like living in a cardboard box with no air or light

I am grateful for both daily dissatisfactions and blissful moments

They keep things fresh and point me to my purpose on this earth

To connect and love

What a beautiful awareness

Ironically I know a new day will come and I will forget these lessons

But it’s just an opportunity to discover it again

And again

The joy really is in the journey

Birth

"We need to teach the next generation of children from day one that they are responsible for their lives. Mankind's greatest gift, also its greatest curse, is that we have free choice. We can make our choices built from love or from fear." Elizabeth Kubler-Ross

Some days just hurt, ya know?

I find myself in a period of transition and birth.

Having birthed two children I can say with clarity, it takes courage, energy and patience.

And there is no epidural for emotional birth

Something has awakened in my spirit

It is a cry from my deepest self, to start living the life I crave

My desires show up in the little aha moments of inspiration, in jealous flares, as aching longing, as flutters of gratitude.

I think they have always been there, I am finally understanding what they are

Pain is opportunity

Always

It is very difficult to walk with that awareness when it burns and drops you to your knees

When the alarm clock buzzes and the reality of another long day in the office weighs on your chest like a tank.

The opportunity is the choice to decide what to do about that feeling

I can roll around in misery and self-flagellation for not following my heart sooner

Or

I can birth something new

I can use the pain to find the energy to persist in the creation

And the real trick my friends…

Is moving forward with grace for the realities of life

Surrender

Patience

Small achievable steps

This is the way

And when I stumble and the weight of the tank is so much to bear that I can barely look my lover in the eye

I look myself in the eye and say

“you can do this sweet girl”

“I know you’re scared and it seems like it’s all too much right now”

"But You CAN do this”

“You are brave”

“You are strong”

“You are wise”

“You can handle any situation that comes your way”

“Keep moving”

“Keep dreaming”

“Let the love in”

“Find the joy in the journey”

"Smell the flowers”

“Notice the light”

“And remember YOU DON’T HAVE TO WALK ALONE”

Playing Catchup

Has it really been two months since I last posted here?

So Much Has Happened !!!!!!!!

And it’s been so so good my friends.

We moved into our new home at the end of February. We had a week to get my things settled and build two bedrooms in the garage. We rocked it. It was stressful, I won’t lie and I maaayyyy have pushed myself a little too hard. But sometimes life requires us to push past our edges and push we did.



We are far from finished and we have so many fun ideas and projects in mind to keep us busy for months to come. But I’m finding it feels really good to relax into the giant project plans and TRUST that we will get everything fixed up just the way we want it in good time.

I have to say that I so enjoy sharing a home with Che. Our creative spirits work side by side. We have a lot of fun bouncing ideas off of each other. We have managed to come up with some great DIY budget friendly solutions. We took a 3 bedroom house with a basement and managed to make a 5 bedroom house that includes a large art studio. In time we will be adding a sun room as well and we have a really cool idea for that project! I plan to share all of the details once we get started.

So far my favorite projects are the duct tape walls we made for the boys and this awesome upcycled dining room table that Che made using wood that was left at the house. So awesome!












About a month after we moved into the house we went on a trip half way across the country and said our vows in the most beautiful setting – right off the hiking path in Red Rock Canyon.




We were surrounded by Che’s sister and her family and our dear friends Lori and Ike. It was such a gift having loved ones with us and I truly felt our loved ones back home with us in spirit as well. For me the best part was being able to be so present as we made our commitments and promises to each other. My normally sweaty hands were bone dry. I was at peace and so happy to begin the journey with Che. Yes our journey really began several years ago, but now there is no turning back. Only forward.




Our minister was absolutely wonderful. Roland August - we love you and thank you for making our day so special. I knew he was a great fit when he asked us to choose our own spot to stand and when he asked us all to take a deep breath before we got started. He gave us a beautiful blessing and manifestation for a happy life together. He also noticed the dragonfly that sat perched on the rock near us during the ceremony. Another blessing from the universe!

Our honeymoon to California was pleasant but entirely too short for what we planned. Next time we will take more time and plan for time to relax. You live and learn.




The past few months have been full and yet my heart has taken on another project and won’t let go. I feel a MAJOR calling to begin a career that is in line with my life callings and less about simply making a living. I am taking big steps and choosing risks carefully to make it happen. I have ideas and plans mapped out in my 90 day Project planner (so type A I know) The idea is worthy and definitely has a market here in Tulsa. I will share more as I take more steps! This is really BIG and awesome!





The boys are doing well adjusting to all of the change. They enjoy the woods behind our new home and “living in the country” as Roland puts it. He told me last night that he had missed the quiet while he was away at his dad’s last week. We are all adjusting to the changes and learning how to be a family. We have already created a special recipe that is new to all of us. French toast waffles,who knew? Our home is full of boy energy and creativity. It takes grace and patience to learn to live with each other, but it is going really well! The boys and I find time to hang just on our own as well. We still go to Chimi’s on Wednesday nights when they are with me. On nice evenings we eat on the patio and catch up on life. I love the funny little habit we have created of watching silly cat videos on youtube while we wait for our food.




Life is busy. Life is good. I wouldn’t change a thing. Thanks for catching up with me.

How I play

The past few months I have found a paradox with this word.

I have been setting weekly goals to “make play a priority” “carve out space for joy”

As the weeks roll on I find myself pondering how to make that happen. 

How do you put Joy in the daytimer?

When those heavy and sad emotions show up the idea of play/joy seems like solving quantum physics.

But as my mood shifts and things lighten up, I find the knuckles pinking up and a silly grin across my face.

I notice the little moments where I am chasing the boys around or watching silly youtube videos about cats. 

I notice the spring in my step and the hairbrush in my hand as I wiggle to 80’s dance music. 

Play is back.

This morning I woke from the most amazing dream. It was full of PLAY. Art school classes, amusement parks found in the middle of the woods, classic night at the drive in with everyone dressed to the hilt drinking cheap champagne and kids working the concession stand. 

I felt so so good.

I often hear that life should be lived by following your joy; that you can trust those things that light you up inside. 

When I’m in a stressed or somber mood it’s hard to remember exactly what those things are. 

I think that’s why I feel so incredibly grateful for the dream last night. 

It reminded me of who I am and what I love. 

It reminded me that I DO know how to play… That I have passion and zest!!! 

It reminded me of what I need to follow.

It’s pretty simple really….

My joy comes from connection with other souls, flaming my curious nature by learning creative ways to express myself, finding lost treasures and adrenaline pumping adventures. 

The icing on the top is celebrating it all with the people I love. 

Hell Yes!