Let loose the fierce color of change

This morning as I drove the boys to school I noticed the first fall leaf suctioned to my car window. 

Something about it struck me and I stopped for a moment to pull over to take a picture.

I was struck by the beauty of letting go. The fierce burst of color before the leaves take their plunge to the ground. Fall does this me. I can feel an earthquake of energy shifting inside, desperately trying to let loose what no longer serves me.

The old record plays…

Here we go again, you moody girl. When will you ever find peace and calm?

And now a new tune plays…

Let it flow

Shake it loose

Breathe and observe

Watch the cycle and change it

one small terrifying step at a time

Smile and remember you are pure sunshine

Around Here - Fall Edition

Have you felt the chill in the air or noticed the subtle yellow tinge to the leaves these days? Summer is gone and fall is upon us. The shifting always causes me to reflect and set new plans for the coming season. The past few months have been full of celebration, growth and creativity. That makes me happy. Here's what we've been up to.

Che and I journeyed to New Mexico to backpack at the Wild Rivers Recreation Area of the Rio Grande Del Norte National Monument with the Sierra Club from OKC. We took our time and split up the drive, enjoying the scenery and stopping as we pleased. We made amazing friends that we hope to see again on future trips and took in the restorative beauty of mother nature. We camped at the top of the gorge for two nights and then along the Rio Grande river for two nights. We got absolutely filthy, absorbed the constant scent of pinion trees and sage, hiked about 15 miles (including a 1,000 foot climb up and down the gorge), laughed till our belly's hurt, found petroglyphs, learned how to cook meals with a tiny stove and metal bowl, learned about nature (did you know Ponderosa Pine trees smell like vanilla?), and yes I may have done some yoga where two rivers meet, that's kind of awesome! It was an incredible trip and I will never forget how amazing that hotel shower felt after 5 days in the wilderness.

On our way to Wild Rivers we stopped in Taos and visited the Earthship Biotecture Headquarters. We were even able to go inside some of these incredible structures. I fell in love. Building one of these technologically and environmentally progressive homes is now on my bucket list.

At home we have been doing a lot of celebrating!

Dylan and Hayden both have birthdays in September. Dylan is now 15 and Hayden 9.

Hayden and Dylan are both proud new owners of wheeled goodies. A new skateboard for Dylan and a sweet Schwinn scooter for Hayden. I love that the weather is perfect right now for getting out and enjoying them.

Che's granddaughter turned 6 and we've had two showers for the coming grand babies.

I am loving this new grandparent role. These girls are adorable and fun and I soak up every chance I get to spend time with them.

Roland has joined Boy Scouts! He went on his first campout last weekend and is learning so much about responsibility. I am thankful he has found an activity he can enjoy with his friends that has so many great benefits. There is even a chance he could travel to Hawaii next summer with his troop. Awesome!

Last week I received news that my step-brother passed on to the other side. I have not seen him in years and knew his life was challenging to say the least. Hearing of his death, brought me great sadness and allowed me to see into my own dark places. I am thankful for the therapy I have done over the years to learn how to love those heavy places inside of myself. I chose to paint out some of those feelings onto canvas. Once I finished I felt a peace and calm that I had not experienced in a few days. I wish my step-brother peace on his journey and pray that his soul can find rest. 

Once the painting flood gates opened, I couldn't turn them off. I finished a piece that I've been working on for a few months and my very dear friend is going to keep it safe for me over her fireplace. What an honor.

A few weeks ago I met up with some friends and set a new personal record at the See Jane Run 5k in Wichita. This the the first 5k I've done in under 30 minutes and I came in first in my age division. What??? I won a "run happy" sports bottle and socks. I wear them proudly.

I have rekindled my love for Yoga and started a home practice using Tara Stiles stralayoga videos. They are all about FEELING GOOD while you move; Opening and saying yes.

I have been Reading Paint Mojo by Tracy Verdugo and just finished The Signature of All Things by Elizabeth Gilbert. I found a free trial of Audible and started listening to Signature on my runs. I love it. I found myself eager to get out on the trail so I could enjoy the next part of the story - A double win.

This month I also said goodbye to the little condo that we called home after the divorce. I am thankful for that space and for the lessons learned in owning it. 

Poppy's Playhouse is rockin' along. I have two upcoming terrarium potting parties (one at the Retro Den in October - YES!) and a Dream catcher class in the works. I decided to go BIG with the dream catcher and used a hula hoop as the outer ring. Oh this is fun!

Jamestown Revival is a new to me band I found on Spotify. They are a blues/folk mix and I'm loving them. Check them out!

I want to remember

I want to remember…

The way you lay your hand on me as we sleep and how warm and loving it feels

The way I lay my hands on each boy as I wake them in the morning. Light rubs against their warm skin to coax them into the day.

“Good morning sweetie. Time to rise and shine. Did you sleep well last night? I love you”

“Good morning my stepmom” and the little trot you do as you walk in the kitchen. The way you carefully lay your books and doll on the table next to the ipad and slowly scroll through youtube videos about Disney princesses as you s l o w l y eat your oatmeal and say “this is really good”.

Dylan sitting on the lawn tractor, Hayden riding in big circles on the scooter and Roland practicing his skateboard flip while Tesla and Dr. Fuzzle get to know each other in the garage.

The big red daddy cardinal and the two mama cardinals that fight over the bird feeder. The smell of summer and watching the first leaves fall onto the ground, twirling and sailing like feathers in the sky.

Hiking gear laid out for weeks in our bedroom as we pack and repack. Excitement with each small amazon box that comes in bringing new supplies for the trip. Can that box really hold an entire bed mat? Yes, yes it can.

The beginning of technology that will someday be thought of us as normal. Devices that can hang off my pack and soak up the suns energy to charge my only method of communication in the wilderness.

Dreaming of backpacking trips, big birthday trips, home plans, somedays and somewheres

Taking deep breaths and smiling at what I am surrounded by today

Self help books, inspirational memes, and audio teachings on how to be happy

The pain in my soul that sometimes feels impenetrable. Sitting on the couch in the dark listening to my breath and holding that scared girl inside of me while she crys.

Hearing the truth in the midst of the hurt. You are pure sunshine, let those clouds roll on by.

The feel of a paintbrush swirling between my fingers while my favorite songs play on spotify

The joy and rush of a new album that brings peace and joy

Kitty causing a ruckus every morning at 5am.. scratching to get in or out. The flush of heat as I rise to deal with it.

Pink finding its way into our home as we prepare for two baby girls. Alexandra Marie and Eliza Louise. How I have to keep their names in a notepad in my phone because my mind won’t remember the spellings.

Our yin/yang food on the checkout line at Walmart each Sunday evening. Whole nutritious foods for me and sweet/savory snacks for them. The tension and laughter as we try to meld the two.

Cast iron pans that grow thicker with seasoning each week and the way I turn up my nose when I have to scrub the eggs out.

Saturday mornings when we divide and conquer the cleaning tasks. Boys on the bathroom and vacuuming. Timmy on his room. Dylan in the game room. Che and I with the rest. Knock it out in an hour and then go play.

The overwhelm that builds each time we mow the yard. The internal work to find appreciation for such a hard task.

The little moments of joy that slip in and take me by surprise. The awareness of the truth that I sometimes don’t want to let them in.

Making new friends and sharing my silliness with them. Getting a group of strangers to make the “omg it’s a bear face” with me on our first hike. Making a mental note to remember that I can be fun.

Tender conversations about trust and love and commitment. Learning to tell the truth and take responsibility. The razor edge feelings in relationships.

Truth. Awareness. Owning my weak spots with love instead of judgment. 

Afloat at sea with my faith to guide me. Humbled fear and Courage to keep going. A constant fire alight in my soul searching for steady peace. 

Checking in on my word of the year

At the beginning of the year I set an intention to take full responsibility for my life. I chose CONSCIOUS COMITTMENT as my focus for 2014.

No big deal. Right?

I have to laugh at the thought.

But truly that commitment shifted my life in a super positive direction.

And I can honestly say I have worked every single day to make it happen

(even the dark, depressed, lazy, didn’t get shit done days)

Because even on those days, I learned something about myself and the people I love around me.

I learned how absolutely abundant my life is (if I open my eyes and look for it!)

I learned that when I fall I can totally get back up again.

I looked back through my commitments that I posted here in January and tears filled my eyes. Many of them I had forgotten but I had been living. Wow!

Like being grateful and seeing opportunities no matter what my outer circumstances look like. This way of being is a daily part of my life.

Like honesty in communication. Speaking the truth and allowing others to do the same without judgment. This is so incredibly hard. But it is life changing. The release of energy (anxiety) that I feel from simply being honest is a gift. I am grateful for the times when I was too scared to tell the truth and my friends and family called me on it. I saw how much pain was caused by withholding my truth. It was an incredible lesson.

This year I have learned how to STAY. I am not perfect, but deep inside I have the skills. I always have. But now that I have experienced that deep feeling of peace from breathing through a really hard moment, the ability will never leave me. I practice this daily too. When I run, in difficult relationship moments, when I am tired and hormonal and just want to take a nap and my child needs me, I practice staying. I stay with myself and love the part that just wants to run. And then we have the strength to STAY with others.

I look back at all of this with gratitude and joy. I am humbled by the power of commitment.

Che and I have started something that requires us to each look at our unconscious comittments and set new ones. I am still processing what that looks like for me, but I will be making them concrete soon. 

Without the connection to divine peace none of this would be possible. Today I joined over 100,000 souls online to meditate for world peace and felt that overwhelming peace flood through every cell of my body. What a gift!

I have no idea how to wrap this up except to say, Hell Yes!

Much Love to anyone who finds their way here.

I wish you peace

I wish you joy

I wish you harmony

I wish you love

XO,

Angie

365 days

365 days ago I set out on a journey to document gratitude.

I made a commitment to jot down the little moments in each day that filled my heart with thanks. I used the Day One app to record these moments along with a picture for each day.

Today I noticed it has been a year.

And my oh my WHAT A YEAR IT HAS BEEN!

There were days I had to dig so deep to find something to write.

And that I believe is the gift of sticking with this commitment.

I learned that every single day is a gift.

Really

Even on days where I felt like my whole world had been turned upside down, there were moments of love and always always always OPPORTUNITIES to grow.

Looking through these images I want to hug that girl looking back at me. Thank her for never giving up and CHOOSING to take the path of love and courageous risks.

I see her strength.
I see her passion.
I see her joy.
I see her play.
I see her fierce love.

Most of all

I see the gifts surrounding her and the amazing life she gets to live.

The seasons come and go along with the triumphs and failures. I am thankful for the chance to live them all with love.

Blessings

"beware of looking for goals: look for a way of life. Decide how you want to live and then see what you can do to make a living WITHIN that way of life." Hunter S. Thompson

This morning I experienced a moment so kind and gentle in my kitchen. A deep sadness had swelled in my chest. Tears began to form in my lower lids and I had no idea why. 

A deep breath and a new choice. Instead of digging for the reason or berating myself, I spoke the truth to Che and allowed myself to cry.

He held me gently and said I love you.

A few moments later Timmy came in to say good morning and get breakfast. His beautiful spirit shining like always. He looked at Che and said "I love you" and they shared a hug. He then looked at me and said " and I love you, my stepmom" (a new fascination for his vocabulary) 

My heart swelled and I gave him a hug. He gently touched my hair and said again "I love you, my stepmom".

These moments are common in our home. Timmy has a way of bringing us all back to the things that really matter in life. 

In all of my striving and desiring to live a beautiful life, I realize I am already living one. Yes I have dreams of changing my work into my passion. But savoring moments like this morning, gives me strength to take that journey. 

Thank you Che and Timmy for loving me so fiercely and making my life so sweet. 

I love you both, madly. 

Samprada

“And so he told me his secret formula for happiness. Part one of the two part plan was that I should just get on with ordinary life, living it day by day, like anyone else. But then came part two of Dad's plan. He told me to live every day again almost exactly the same. The first time with all the tensions and worries that stop us noticing how sweet the world can be, BUT THE SECOND TIME NOTICING. And in the end I think I've learned the final lesson from my travels in time; and I've even gone one step further than my father did: The truth is I now don't travel back at all, not even for the day, I just try to live every day as if I've deliberately come back to this one day, to enjoy it, as if it was the full final day of my extraordinary, ordinary life."

 About Time

 

Last night we watched About Time. Such a great movie. I love time travel stories. Mix it with the search for joy and  love and I’m in.

This morning I remembered writing “Make time to Play” in my day planner a few months ago and how foreign a concept that was. I remember the struggle as week after week I would see that “goal” come and go and feel frustrated that I was missing the point.

This movie so beautifully portrayed what I had been missing. The joy is in surrender. Finding peace with what has been, what is and what is to come. Looking each other in the eye (especially on hard days) and celebrating the life force that flows in our bodies.

I have a dear friend who is deep in struggle. Today as she shared her grief with me I stopped and hugged her. I think it’s the first time we’ve ever really hugged. I could tell it startled her but then she relaxed and let that love in. I am thankful for the reminder to let go of the every day patterns and follow my heart.

I feel a little extra spring in my step today; an awakened boldness and joy. Thank you inspiration for finding your way to me once again.