I want to remember

I want to remember…

The way you lay your hand on me as we sleep and how warm and loving it feels

The way I lay my hands on each boy as I wake them in the morning. Light rubs against their warm skin to coax them into the day.

“Good morning sweetie. Time to rise and shine. Did you sleep well last night? I love you”

“Good morning my stepmom” and the little trot you do as you walk in the kitchen. The way you carefully lay your books and doll on the table next to the ipad and slowly scroll through youtube videos about Disney princesses as you s l o w l y eat your oatmeal and say “this is really good”.

Dylan sitting on the lawn tractor, Hayden riding in big circles on the scooter and Roland practicing his skateboard flip while Tesla and Dr. Fuzzle get to know each other in the garage.

The big red daddy cardinal and the two mama cardinals that fight over the bird feeder. The smell of summer and watching the first leaves fall onto the ground, twirling and sailing like feathers in the sky.

Hiking gear laid out for weeks in our bedroom as we pack and repack. Excitement with each small amazon box that comes in bringing new supplies for the trip. Can that box really hold an entire bed mat? Yes, yes it can.

The beginning of technology that will someday be thought of us as normal. Devices that can hang off my pack and soak up the suns energy to charge my only method of communication in the wilderness.

Dreaming of backpacking trips, big birthday trips, home plans, somedays and somewheres

Taking deep breaths and smiling at what I am surrounded by today

Self help books, inspirational memes, and audio teachings on how to be happy

The pain in my soul that sometimes feels impenetrable. Sitting on the couch in the dark listening to my breath and holding that scared girl inside of me while she crys.

Hearing the truth in the midst of the hurt. You are pure sunshine, let those clouds roll on by.

The feel of a paintbrush swirling between my fingers while my favorite songs play on spotify

The joy and rush of a new album that brings peace and joy

Kitty causing a ruckus every morning at 5am.. scratching to get in or out. The flush of heat as I rise to deal with it.

Pink finding its way into our home as we prepare for two baby girls. Alexandra Marie and Eliza Louise. How I have to keep their names in a notepad in my phone because my mind won’t remember the spellings.

Our yin/yang food on the checkout line at Walmart each Sunday evening. Whole nutritious foods for me and sweet/savory snacks for them. The tension and laughter as we try to meld the two.

Cast iron pans that grow thicker with seasoning each week and the way I turn up my nose when I have to scrub the eggs out.

Saturday mornings when we divide and conquer the cleaning tasks. Boys on the bathroom and vacuuming. Timmy on his room. Dylan in the game room. Che and I with the rest. Knock it out in an hour and then go play.

The overwhelm that builds each time we mow the yard. The internal work to find appreciation for such a hard task.

The little moments of joy that slip in and take me by surprise. The awareness of the truth that I sometimes don’t want to let them in.

Making new friends and sharing my silliness with them. Getting a group of strangers to make the “omg it’s a bear face” with me on our first hike. Making a mental note to remember that I can be fun.

Tender conversations about trust and love and commitment. Learning to tell the truth and take responsibility. The razor edge feelings in relationships.

Truth. Awareness. Owning my weak spots with love instead of judgment. 

Afloat at sea with my faith to guide me. Humbled fear and Courage to keep going. A constant fire alight in my soul searching for steady peace.