Samprada

“And so he told me his secret formula for happiness. Part one of the two part plan was that I should just get on with ordinary life, living it day by day, like anyone else. But then came part two of Dad's plan. He told me to live every day again almost exactly the same. The first time with all the tensions and worries that stop us noticing how sweet the world can be, BUT THE SECOND TIME NOTICING. And in the end I think I've learned the final lesson from my travels in time; and I've even gone one step further than my father did: The truth is I now don't travel back at all, not even for the day, I just try to live every day as if I've deliberately come back to this one day, to enjoy it, as if it was the full final day of my extraordinary, ordinary life."

 About Time

 

Last night we watched About Time. Such a great movie. I love time travel stories. Mix it with the search for joy and  love and I’m in.

This morning I remembered writing “Make time to Play” in my day planner a few months ago and how foreign a concept that was. I remember the struggle as week after week I would see that “goal” come and go and feel frustrated that I was missing the point.

This movie so beautifully portrayed what I had been missing. The joy is in surrender. Finding peace with what has been, what is and what is to come. Looking each other in the eye (especially on hard days) and celebrating the life force that flows in our bodies.

I have a dear friend who is deep in struggle. Today as she shared her grief with me I stopped and hugged her. I think it’s the first time we’ve ever really hugged. I could tell it startled her but then she relaxed and let that love in. I am thankful for the reminder to let go of the every day patterns and follow my heart.

I feel a little extra spring in my step today; an awakened boldness and joy. Thank you inspiration for finding your way to me once again. 

What's Working

Life isn’t always easy. All of the striving and change has caught up with me. My eyes are open now to my patterns and I’m learning to take responsibility for them like I have never done before.

Most of the time I can meditate and stay curious about the surges of anger and grief. Other times, I get sucked in and fall into the dark night of despair and shame.

Last night was one of those nights. I am thankful for my partner and love who stayed by my side and shared his strength with me. I allowed his love in and clung to it to find buoyancy on the dark wave. Like a rope tied around my waist, his love anchored me as I walked into the darkness of my heart. The part that wants to give up and run away.

This morning my spirit feels like the lake the day after fourth of July. Choppy and full of debris. But there is a clearing too. The wakes are pushing the debris to the edges. Things are clear enough now to listen to that healthy part that is so wise and kind. I heard her gentle reminder to focus on WHAT IS WORKING in my life.

So today I’m sharing that list here. To remind me and to give hope to you.

What is working?

Grace and love from my life partner

He stays by my side and shows me grace like I’ve never known.

My body is healthy. I feel strong (especially when I run)

A friend I haven’t spoken to in months randomly sent me a picture of a poppy last night and told me it reminded him of me.

Watching the pages come out of the printer after so many obstacles.

Standing in my bedroom door and feeling the warm morning breeze.

The birds singing and the leaves rustling.

Hot coffee and a granola bar

Soothing touch from my lover. Being held and sustained by his heartbeat in my ear.

Watching the boys bond and mature every single day.

Notes of wisdom on facebook and blogs. My news feed has become a place of grace and a constant reminder to take responsibility for my life.

Building friendships through honesty and mutual support.

Hiking through thousands of heart rocks days before a dark night of the soul. Noticing how many hearts found their way to me in nature last week through my instagram feed. Something made them show up in a BIG way. Something is trying to get my attention.

My physical needs are met. I am well fed, have a roof over my head and a job that provides

My emotional needs are met if I take responsibility, ask for help and allow the support.

The new business venture is in progress. The website is almost done and several events are lined up and ready to go. I have come so far in such a short amount of time.

A new album on spotify that inspires and uplifts me, cracking open my hard armor and adding some wiggle to my morning.

A courageous survivor’s heart that refuses to give up

Freedom in every moment to create the life I want to live

When I forget that fact, a team of support to remind me

Around Here - June edition

Here's what's happening in our little world...

Celebrating: Yesterday we celebrated Father’s Day. I made yummy breakfast burritos with home fries and we enjoyed a family breakfast around the table. I am happy that the boys were able to celebrate at both of their homes yesterday. We have recently changed our custody schedule, so the boys were able to be with their dad in the afternoon and evening.

Hiking: We enjoyed a beautiful hike at Turkey Mountain Saturday afternoon. All of the rain lately has made everything so green! The boys and I did the 1.5 mile hike and I noticed with gratitude the difference in both boys ability. We found a turtle, several hawks and butterflies and a snake on the trail. Good times!

Playing – ALL of the boys in my home have taken up wheeled sports. Dylan, che and Ro spent most evenings skating on the neighborhood streets. And I often find Hayden riding in circles in the garage on his scooter. His latest trick involves big circles with only one hand and foot – FIVE times in a row! Hayden also learned to ride his bike on his own a few weeks ago. I love how we are all getting outside and playing.

Creating – I am deep in website building for Poppy’s Playhouse. Lots of deep breaths and letting go as well. Building this business from scratch is opening up all kinds of opportunities to work on my limiting beliefs. I am so thankful to have the opportunity to learn this stuff and play while I’m doing it. The first party was a blast and I'm looking forward to so many more.

Reading - Conscious Loving is still my book of choice these days. I take it in like bites of cheesecake – rich stuff that deserves to be savored. And slowly but surely I am putting into practice the advice that it offers and seeing rich results.

Practicing – Love everyone and Tell the Truth – this way of being is a direct result of the behaviors I’m practicing from Conscious Loving. It sounds so simple but requires a tremendous amount of vulnerability, courage and TRUST. It is changing my life in the best way possible.

Watching - 22 Jump Street – we took in this movie last night with che and his boys. It is so wrong and hilarious in that really ridiculous and crude way. But I was doubled over laughing and that is always always an awesome thing!

Listening - She & Him – volume one – Che found this album awhile back and I love it. We listen to it often when we work in the art room together.

Eating – quinoa – trying lots of different recipes with it. I’m the only one in the house that likes it, but that’s perfectly fine with me. Just means I don’t have to share.

Buying – a riding mower – I really need a bubba gump hat and a plaid shirt to go with it.

Enjoying – drives on the back road with the windows down and the music up. Love that summer breeze in my hair and holding my hand out the window. Hell yes to Summer!

Training – it is Tulsa Run time again. Courtney and I have started our almost daily lunch runs. I can’t decide if we are providing therapy for our hearts or our bodies. But I sure love that hour of sunshine each day.

Thanks for catching up with me friends. Much love to you!

Summer Bucket List

We sat down together last week after dinner and made our summer bucket list.

This was the first time we’ve done this together as one family.

I think Dylan was a little hesitant at first but once we started talking and laughing everyone pitched in with ideas.

I am sure most of these will happen when we do our staycation in late July, but I’m hoping to sprinkle a few activities each weekend as well.

Our List:

Bowling

Hot Tub

Lots of Projected Movies on the House

Video Game Marathon

Aquarium

Warp Slide to an Alternate Universe – aka – build a waterslide in the backyard

Build a Castle in Tim’s Room

Zoo to see the LionElephantZebraDoodle – Yes!

Movie Marathon Day

Root Beer Floats

Camp Out in the Wildnerness

Homemade Peach Ice Cream

Cherry Chip Cake for my birthday

And Dylan’s choice – sky dive with a tan and pink hair! (love it)

Cheers to summer and sun and fun!

Poppy's Playhouse

Remember when I talked about that big project I’m birthing into my life?

Well it’s time to spill the beans on what I’ve been up to.

A while back I had an aha inspirational moment.

Walking through a local antique and craft market, I thought “I could do that” as I gazed at some cool handmade jewelry made from old spoons and forks.

I have had this thought many times as I browsed pinterest or stood in awe at an art gallery.

But this time it stuck with me in a new way.

I realized that many people feel this way and have a longing to make stuff just like I do.

And when I put that together with my deep deep longing for connection, a small business idea was born.

A community “I can make that too” party center and event biz

I have seen this idea played out at places like Pinot’s Palette or Purple Glaze.

But my experience with those type of venues was honestly lacking in creativity.

I do not want to create what everyone else is creating.

Yes I want to be inspired by others, but I want to add my unique touch and flair to my creations.

I think other people feel the same way.

So I’m creating a space for people to come together to make stuff and play.

Creativity + Community

Yes!

And the best part is that this totally lines up with my skill set

Organized, budget conscious, creative, make it happen attitude and a loving heart that embraces strangers with open arms

I CAN’T WAIT

Seriously

It has been a LOT of work getting everything set up and going

And I’m choosing to start slow so that I can keep the rest of my life in balance and actually enjoy the process

Soon I will have a website with all of the info and events, but for now I am using facebook as the hub for parties.

Patience Angie Patience

The inner demons are having fun now that the first event is nearing (one week away!!!)

The new skill set I have learned over this past year of staying curious when emotions and panic rise is really helping.

My support system has been amazing too. Close friends, family and Che have encouraged me to go for this. Their support has meant so much, especially on those hard days of failed experiments and “who do I think I am to do this” thoughts.

I have big hopes for this project but I’m also not holding on too tight to the outcome.

It is a big experiment that I am ready to face with conscious commitment and joy

Wish me luck and I hope to see your smiling face at Poppy’s a Playhouse soon.

Transcending Her

"I think anybody who falls in love is a freak. It's a crazy thing to do. It's kind of like a form of socially acceptable insanity." Her

Finally got the chance to watch Her last night with Che.

And like transcendence, it tickled that philosophical part of my brain.

It raises questions about our future interactions with technology and the definitions of consciousness and humanity.

Che and I have this theory that many of these movies are really test markets to see how society reacts to new technological possibilities. This movie is full of those.

I love a movie that makes me think, but totally engulfs me at the same time. It has been refreshing to enjoy these two.

My overall judgement of a movie comes from how I feel after watching it (hello cancer nature). And both of these movies left me feeling hopeful, lighter and grateful for the connections in my life.

I say yes to that and recommend watching them for yourself.

Connect with me

Feeling disconnected or separate from a group of people is a familiar pattern in my life

It started early

In fact, I believe it started before I took my first breath

It is a story that I hold deep in my soul, that I am not good enough to be part of the whole

And so I have attracted this story to my life with different players

Often a watcher, I hide behind a shield of invisibility

Feeling like a victim of the group

When really I am the aggressive one

Locking myself away so they cannot see me

The story has gotten clearer over time

And it still shows up in my life today

Parents that are still disconnected

Longing for deep friendships and happy gatherings

Feeling alone in a crowd of hundreds of people

I do not deny the blessings in my life

A soul mate to walk with

A closeness with my children

Extended family with cordial and kind interactions

But I long for more

I want to go deeper

I want simply

To feel Supported

Accepted exactly as I am

And to be able to return the same

I am noticing that the more I show myself this acceptance and kindness

The more those doors are opening with other souls around me

When I am vulnerable, honest and kind

I often receive the same

But it doesn’t take the sting out of the pain when the ones I want the most to feel this way with

Simply don’t show up

I struggle with my relationship with my parents

We are not close

My mother has a painful habit of making promises she cannot keep

Or simply not committing at all

I invited her for mother’s day dinner

The scene played in my mind, a lovely dinner around the table with laughter and flowers in cute little mason jars

She did not come

And I couldn’t bring myself to set that table for just myself

So instead mother’s day dinner was thrown together last minute and felt just like any other meal

I realize Mother’s day is simply a man made holiday

But no matter how much I tell myself that, it still hurts

It felt like an opportunity to take things to that deeper level

To look in my mom’s eyes or my children to look into mine and know that we are really there for each other

Unfortunately I allowed my disappointment with my own mother, to stop me from connecting with my own children

I understand why, But I choose differently now

I choose to determine my own worth instead of allowing other people’s human behaviors to dictate it for me.

The same is true as I walk into work this morning.

I see co-workers digging through party supplies to prepare to celebrate another co-workers wedding.

I feel the blood drain out of my body

Why did they not do the same for me?

It hurt when my wedding came and went and no one at my office celebrated it with me

I had let it go and figured it just wasn’t how my office mates handled things

But to see it being prepared for someone else stung HARD

I felt deep shame.

“What’s so wrong with me?”

And I let out a snarky remark as a result

“I thought we didn’t have any wedding decorations” as I passed one lady by

Deep breaths in my office

Remembering to STAY with myself To show kindness and compassion for the hurt I was feeling

Wise words filling my mind with each deep breath

“don’t take things personally. Everyone is on their own path. Their decisions have nothing to do with you”

I find the lady I spoke unkindly to and apologize.

I am honest about the hurt I was feeling but tell her I’m sorry for taking it out on her.

She accepts and looks at me with understanding eyes.

In each moment I have a choice To stay locked into the cycle of hurt and let it continue the old story

Or to let go and move forward

It’s interesting that the letting go involves staying

Staying with the pain long enough to see the gift in it

And then owning the truth of my worthiness and power to create the life I desire

I am thankful for these lessons

Especially on a day after receiving some news that in the past I would have called “bad”

But really I see that every single thing that happens to us, gives us an opportunity to grow closer to ourselves and each other

I pray for myself and my loved ones that we would take the disappointments and difficult paths as opportunities to grow together instead of apart.

And this is not me just trying to spin difficult news

In allowing what unfolds to unfold without judgment, we will find freedom

I know this to be true.