Eleven

This kid

He amazes me.

He turned 11 this week. Eleven… really

It many ways it feels like he has always been with me, in others it seems like yesterday that I held him in my arms for the first time.

He and I celebrated his birthday by taking an adventure this past weekend.

Part of my old PTI group in Kansas arranged for two medicine men from Sedona to come to our cabin to lead a sweat lodge and healing weekend. I have missed not only the people from my therapy groups, but my spirit has been aching to return to the sweat lodge. It is the like a spiritual womb for me... A place to call out my prayers to the light and enjoy laughter and song with a community of open and loving people. I knew Roland would love it as well and I jumped at the opportunity to show him the place where my light was sparked so many years ago.

Over the hills and through the woods we travelled to the beautiful lodge on the pond. Roland enjoys personal space so the crowd was a bit much for him. We brought along our tent and ended up sleeping in a tent out on the deck over the frozen pond. Chilly!! But we sandwiched ourselves between two sleeping bags and 4 blankets and huddled close to each other to keep warm. We actually stayed pretty cozy and Roland didn’t even realize how cold it was outside (23 degrees) until he saw the frozen pond the next morning.

Saturday we spent time getting to know many new faces along with the two medicine men Adam Yellowbird and Joseph GreyWolf. They shared several ceremonies with us and passed on many lessons. I find it so interesting how most spiritual beliefs intersect with certain truths…

love, letting go, being in the moment, treating others as you would want to be treated, gratitude and accountability. There were many children and four legged friends at the retreat and I loved how they were embraced and honored for their innocence and wisdom. I know Adam and Joseph were touched as they shared their traditions and teachings with the young generation as well. I could see hope in their eyes as they saw the kids soak up these beautiful teachings.

“Be open to the possibilities”

“Right here, Right now. That is what matters.”

“Take a walk in nature. Hold a stone in your hand or lightly grasp a leaf. It will remind you that you are never alone. “

“Breathe in Love for yourself, allow it to flow in your body, release that love out to others and then shake it all loose and let go.”

“When you take something from nature, offer a personal sacrifice in return. Leave a hair, a drop of water, something of yourself to show you honor and appreciate the gift mother earth is sharing with you”

There were so many more but this last teaching moved me deeply. I am guilty of taking for granted everything we take from our precious earth without a single thought of gratitude. Water, food, air, fire… we could not survive without them. It is so important to be conscious and grateful of these gifts.

We had a little free time to explore in the afternoon so a few of us took a little hike over to the abandoned house I found a few years ago. It was so fun exploring with Roland. He had never been on one of these adventures and I could see the familiar spark in his eye. We tromped through the fields coming back and saw an armadillo and either a white tail deer or a wolf run off in the woods.

That evening the group divided into two groups for the sweat lodges. Joseph led a special (shorter) version for the children and mothers. He explained everything as we went through the ceremony and didn’t pour as much water on the rocks to make the heat less intense for the

children. It was such a fun and beautiful experience. Roland was not sure about going at first but I allowed him to make the decision for himself. Once the door was closed, Roland put his hand on my shoulder and said “thank you mom for taking me here. This is so cool”. Gratitude and Love poured between us… a beautiful moment I will never forget.

I heard rumblings of many more lodges to come and I look forward to sharing this experience with anyone else who will join me in the future. I think it will be awhile before Hayden will be ready, but I do hope to share the experience with him as well if he is open to it.

In order to be fully truthful the entire weekend was not an uplifting experience for me. A few bruised relationships from my past were pulled back to the surface again. I left feeling remorse, confusion, sadness and a bit of shame about them. But this week I have been able to let that go. I cannot change the past, nor force anyone to be my friend. I will always hold everyone I met at PTI close to my heart. They are in many ways like family to me. But I have had to choose to let some go even though the pain of their loss leaves a hole in my heart.