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| "Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage." Lao Tzu |
Over the weekend Che and I took all of our boys camping at Blue Hole, a beautiful natural spring near Salina. We had a tent but decided to also rent one of the “cabins” so that we wouldn’t be completely roughing it the whole time. For $25 a night you basically get a storage shed with a full size bed and an air conditioner. It was well worth it even if it was one of the strangest rooms I have ever slept in.
Roland loved the trip. He called his section of the tent and set himself up for the night. But Hayden struggled. I think it was all just a bit too much out of his control zone and caused his anxiety to peak. He has these triggers and when they are set off I struggle with helping him regain a state of calm. The cabin triggered him for some reason and so we had to shift our sleeping plans around to get him situated. I won’t go into the details of everything that took place, but the weekend was definitely a challenge. I found myself wanting to escape. The moon shining so brightly above seemed to be taunting me, bidding me to follow her and wander for awhile. The internal push and pull was overwhelming at some moments. I went on this little adventure to try to get all of us some peace in nature. And instead I found myself wrapped up in power struggles and self-doubt.
I shouldn’t cast such a heavy shadow on our time there. Saturday was actually really nice. We had a great time swimming in the spring and exploring. The place got really crowded in the afternoon so we wandered downstream and ended up finding a rope swing and a cool place to climb around on some fallen trees and big boulders. We were filthy and hot and it was great. One of my favorite memories is when we all took a break in the cabin to cool off in the afternoon. I looked up and everyone in the room was crashed out taking a nap.
Sunday morning was really rough. Hayden and I just couldn’t get past the power struggles and I couldn’t do it anymore. So we packed up and headed out. I hate that we had to leave like we did. I know the other kids wanted to stay and play some more. I felt horrible about it. Felt horrible about how I handled so many things. I took a short walk on my own before we left to get my emotions in check and get my healthy adult back in control. The voices in my head were so loud. “You are a horrible mom. You have no idea what you’re doing. Those ladies over there are talking about you and how much you suck. You should have never had children. Your kids would be better off without you…and on and on.” It gets really dark really fast when my self-abuser gets hold of me. I sat down along the spring, closed my eyes with tears streaming down my face and started breathing. Soon I could hear that healthy voice again. She had other things to say. “Yes you made mistakes. Yes you were a monster. Yes you scared him. Yes you are doing everything you said you would never do. BUT the more you sit here and beat yourself up about it, the more you are continuing to hurt your children. You are their mom. You love them. Get the help you need to learn to control your own anger. Don’t make excuses. Make choices. Forgive yourself. Ask their forgiveness."
“LOVE THEM.
TEACH THEM CONSEQUENCES
BUT LET GO OF TRYING TO CONTROL.
LOVE IS NOT CONTROL.”
So I am continuing to listen to that wise voice and push away the abusive voice. I feel vulnerable and ashamed to share such a dark side of my personality but I am hoping that by doing so it will help someone else who is in a similar situation. I know that the best way to release shame is to shine light on it and expose it. Doing so takes away the fear. I have seen it happen many times.
Parenting is seriously the toughest job on the earth but I am so grateful for it. I believe our children are mirrors of our own souls and I know that Hayden is such a mirror for me. So many of the things he does that drive me completely crazy are the things that I don’t like about myself. He just doesn’t filter any of it and I have to watch it play out in bold bright colors. I want to hide it, squash it, say “stop acting like a child and just get over it. Just go with the flow for once and don’t be so difficult!” And when I stop and really think about it I know that part of my anger is coming from my little poppy. She is jealous. She wants to act that way, to stomp her feet and say “no, I’m not gonna do it”. But she learned very quickly that she couldn’t get away with that as a child. She still tries to do it now. She wants to run away and do her thing and doesn’t care how or who it affects. I struggle to maintain control of her on a daily basis. So that’s why it’s so important for me to continue working on this part of myself. I will love her, will love my children, will let go of controlling them, but teach them consequences and follow through with loving discipline.
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| Finding heart rocks |
I have to say too that I am beyond grateful for Che and the grace and love he shows me. Through all of this he did not step in and intercede. He let me parent my children and I appreciate it so so much. He also has this amazing way of showing me grace that I cannot explain, only feel. When I’m feeling so much self-hatred and fear and all of the blah he Is just there next to me with this look on his face that says “I’ve been there, it’s going to be ok”. And then he does something silly like pouring ice down the back of my shirt. It makes me laugh and gets me back into reality. “Thank you” seems so small to say in return. But it’s all I have to offer. So thank you Che. I love you.
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