Good Luck Exploring the Infinite Abyss

closest I have found to an infinite abyss at Lake Mead in Nevada

Gardenstate is one of my all time favorite movies. And the infinite abyss scene gives me chills every time I watch it. I had the pleasure of watching it again with Che and his boys over the weekend.

With all of these feelings and shifts tiding in me lately I am craving a similar experience. I want to stand up as high as I can above my own infinite abyss and scream it all out. I want to shout out and release all of the disappointment, anger, frustration, sadness, restlessness and sorrow that spins up inside of me and sets me off course.

Anyone know where I can find one within driving distance? I'm completely and totally serious.

Peace

Signs and Symptoms of Inner Peace by Peace Pilgrim

A tendency to think and act spontaneously rather than on fears based on past experiences

An unmistakable ability to enjoy each moment

A loss of interest in judging other people

A loss of interest in interpreting the actions of others

A loss of interest in conflict

A loss of the ability to worry

Frequent, overwhelming episodes of appreciation

Contented feelings of connectedness with others and nature

Frequent attacks of smiling (my personal favorite)

me feeling very at peace at Lake Mead

I ran across this list in a book I have been reading. It definitely hit me in that core place that feels like truth. This is where I want to be in life. I have no desire to achieve a certain economic level or climb the corporate ladder. No instead my longing in life is to have this level of deep deep inner peace.

The past few weeks I have been struggling with that place of peace. There seems to be a current shifting inside of me - an uneasiness. It makes me feel spoiled or ungrateful to be dealing with such a deep level unrest when things are actually really good in my life. The boys are incredible and seem to be adjusting better and better each day. I have a good paying job working for a great company. Che is incredible. He respects me, honors my strengths and loves me despite my flaws. And I have amazing friends and family that I know I can count on for anything. But despite all of the good things in my life I still feel like something is off. I have learned over the years that I am what I am and to not judge myself for being so. So I sit with the feelings, listen to my higher self for answers and then do whatever I can to release the emotions that are tiding within. I have also found that when it goes too far and I truly am getting stuck in that place of unrest it really helps to make lists of everything I’m grateful for. I thought it was such a sweet gift of serendipity that I ran across this new project/website called  www.grateful160.com. Each morning I get a text with a sweet note asking me what I am grateful for that day. I text reply my answer back and my answers are stored online in my personal Gratitude Journal. What a lovely concept. I admit that texting is almost my favorite form of communication, so this is perfect for me. I can stick to it and it’s a gentle reminder each day to take a deep breath, focus on the now and be thankful.

Of course I also know that this uneasiness is coming from a place deep inside that needs more healing. I have been spending lots of time meditating and talking with my little poppy. She gets scared, lonely and hopeless and it’s up to me to get her settled. Lately her fears have been wrapped around changes, death and a general sense of boredom. She wants adventure, freedom and security. It’s funny because those three things don’t usually go together. So it’s tricky trying to navigate it all. But I’m doing my best. Taking it a day at a time and following the path I know I have to take right now. 

Today I'm Letting Go of

• The idea that any person, job, event will change it all and be the answer to everything
• Trying to figure it all out
• A few dear close friends... lots of grief about it but it's what needs to happen
• Pretending like I have my shit together
• Being sad... even through the shifts, there are moments of great joy and I'm letting them in
• Tomorrow.. planting my feet deep in today.. this moment... now...
• The past.. never going back there again
• The idea that I shouldn't get my hopes up.... I'm getting my hopes up big time
• Self-doubt... when I'm quiet and listen I can hear my truth. Today I'm listening and believing.

Listening to a lot of U2 again.. and this song seems to be sitting right beside me as I go through life.. holding my hand.. telling me it's ok to let it go...

U2 Bad

I'm wide awake
I'm wide awake
Wide awake
I'm not sleeping, oh no, no, no

If I could, you know I would
If I could, I would

Let it go
This desparation
Dislocation
Separation
Condemnation
Revelation
In temptation
Isolation
Desolation
Isolation

Let it go
And so fade away
To let it go, oh yeah
And so fade away

To let it go, oh No
And so fade away

I'm wide awake
I'm wide awake
Wide awake

Weekend Road Trip

This weekend I was able to spend some quality one on one time with Che. It was great and the first chance we’ve had to do so in weeks. Our original plan to visit our favorite river was canceled due to the river being higher than it’s been in years. So instead we decided to take a road trip to a flea market near Tahlequah. The weather has been amazing lately so a road trip, windows down with the music up sounded great. We stopped to shoot a few fun things we noticed in downtown Muskogee. I definitely want to go back there soon and shoot more. We ended up taking a wrong turn and went 20 minutes the wrong direction from our original destination. But like usual we looked at each other and with a big "oh well" headed down another road. It is so nice being with someone with the same laid back attitude about life. 

We found a few other cool places to shoot on the way including a burned down road side biker bar and an abandoned barn. I don’t know why I’m so drawn to these places but I am for sure. Along the way we also had a brief encounter with death. We were driving along and I suddenly felt cold, very cold, for a brief few moments. At the same time Che says “whoa did you see that?” A semi had swerved around a car coming in the opposite direction of us; a near miss that surely would have taken all of us if the driver had not been so skilled. I was shaken but not freaking out. Moments like that make me appreciate the life I have and the people around me that I love so dearly. Che is intimate with death and says he can actually see him follow people around. His history with Timmy has given him this ability. I think he was definitely a passenger in our car for a few moments and I’m glad to rid him goodbye for now.

A few more stops at road side flea markets and this great bridge made for a wonderful afternoon. Driving along without aim just waiting to see what’s around the next corner is one of my favorite things to do. I love it that Che enjoys it as much as I do. We both have that desire for adventure and new experiences and sometimes we’re limited to what we can do to get that on a Saturday afternoon. 

 

Saturday evening we got to go to Roger Water’s the Wall. It was so great on so many levels. That album is permanently burned into my soul. My mom tells stories of me sitting in front of one of those big floor speakers when I’m just a toddler swaying back and forth to comfortably numb. As a teenager I listened to it almost nightly on my record player in my room; flipping the album every other night. So to hear it live and with all of the amazing visual projections was just incredible. We were literally 12 seats over from where the wall was being built throughout the show and probably 30 feet from the stage. The music stepped me back in time to a place where I felt so separated from everyone, so alone in life and hiding behind my own emotional wall. It’s nice to reflect and see how far I’ve come in my life. I loved how Roger has turned the concept of the wall into a more communal idea instead of just a self-loathing diatribe. The concert had a huge anti-war theme and it moved me deeply to see the pictures and stories of fallen soldiers projected onto the giant wall. I am in total agreement that as overwhelming as all of the death and loss is, we cannot just sit back and hide behind our walls. We have to tear them down and stand up for what matters.

Dallas/Vegas Trip

It seems like ages ago that I left for the big adventure but it was really less than 2 weeks ago.

I headed out on a Friday afternoon to both celebrate and help document my sister's wedding in Dallas. Flight was delayed and barely made the rehearsal but was proud of myself for maneuvering rush hour traffic in Dallas on my own without getting lost and actually made good time! 

That night my sister treated me and her girls to a fun night of girl movies and snacks in a nearby hotel. Sara and I stayed up late into the night catching up and doing what sister's do best.. bond. I love her so much and feel blessed to have such an amazing and caring woman as my sister. I am so happy for her as she starts her new life with Darrell.

The next morning we slept in!! And then headed to the spa for 4 hours of pampering and getting prepared for the wedding. I know it's so cliche that women can't seem to do their own makeup and hair when they get married, but there is something really nice about having it all done for you on that special day. I think it was the perfect plan and reduced a ton of stress for everyone. I had a blast just hanging out and shooting the whole thing while bonding with my precious nieces that I miss like crazy.

 

The wedding was beautiful and fun and full of love. Just what my sister worked her heart out planning. I'm sure Darrell is happy as well. My photography skills are no where near that of a professional but I did my best to capture everything.

Saturday night I got to catch up with an old friend and see a few sites in good old Dallas and get a good night's sleep. Up early Sunday to catch my flight to Vegas... Got checked in and had plenty of time to just hang around the hotel and chill. The pool area at Mandalay is incredible. Pictures don't do it justice really. But I definitely enjoyed the sandy beach and cool water and had a nice dinner in the House of Blues while I planned out my week of conferences and meetings.

Late Sunday night my friend Paige made it to town and joined me for the rest of the week. She enjoyed the pool and puttzed around town during the days while I went to oh so fun conferences. 

But once the seminars and sessions were done it was time to have some fun and explore Vegas! 

 

I had been to Fremont street with Che when we went to Vegas in February but we weren't able to go at night. It was such a different experience in the evening. We really wanted to do the zip line that goes over the crowd but the line was huge and we just didn't have the patience to wait, plus I was wearing a skirt! But we had an awesome dinner and made lots of friends.

The rest of the week we took in the pool and did some shopping.

One evening I just needed a break from everything and borrowed the car to head out to Lake Mead to get some solitude in nature. It was amazing and exactly what I needed.

I couldn't help but wonder who had been here before me to create such a fire pit. It reminded me so much of a scene in the Gunslinger book by Stephen King which of course reminded me of Che and made me miss him that much more.

But the views and silence restored my soul and gave me the energy I needed to get through the rest of the week in that crazy city that never stops.

The last evening in Vegas entailed an awesome 80's party put on by the OAUG conference. I got to know a few of the peeps behind the scenes at the conference and it was definitely eye opening to see how much work goes into putting one of these conventions together. I had to do a little shopping to get my 80's outfit ready to go and Paige helped with the makeup. She ended up going with me and we had a blast dancing with our friends to old 80's tunes. I admit I even ended up on stage to the final song of the night. There is a video somewhere but I'm hoping it never surfaces.

By the time the week was over I was exhausted from going almost 24/7 but it was great fun and I met some really great people. Paige and I did our girl thing and bonded as well. Nothing like sharing pancakes at 3am with a good friend.

 I made it home without too much trouble (though I did catch a crazy bad pneumonia virus on the plane ride, ugh) and was so happy to see Che and Timmy waiting for me at the airport terminal. Nothing like Timmy's smile and Che's arm around me to make me feel like I'm home. The next day I got a huge welcome home hug from Roland and a smug little smile from Hayden (which means he really did miss me). The boys had flowers waiting for me as well though I think Wunny had more to do with that than anyone else, but it was a nice surprise nonetheless.

Love or Fear

Love is to fear as light is to darkness.

In the presence of love, fear disappears.

If you're dwelling in the darkness of a human upset,

what love could you be sending and to whom?

Marianne Williamson

Someone told me recently that I am deep and complex. I think they may be right and lately life has me pondering deep subjects. 

So here is my question...Is human nature one of love or survival of the fittest? I have had very brief moments in my life where all fear was wiped away and I truly sat in complete peace and love. These moments propelled me to new places emotionally, spiritually and physically that are miraculous in nature. They are the fuel that burns my ability to hope and love every day. But I am not naive and I also see what we as humans do to each other in our "natural states". Hatred, selfishness, gluttony and laziness are definitely sitting in our core selves as well. But survival is based on fear, so I believe that at our purest most primitive selves, with all negative emotion removed, we are all love. We are all one. I believe our souls are pieces of one great light/source that connects us all. But like the man made cuts in these rocks we as men carve ruts into our souls separating us from each other and the love that could unite us.

I had a very difficult conversation with someone today that left me feeling defeated and hopeless about love and connectedness. This person will always have a huge place in my heart, there is no way they couldn't. But circumstance and life has led us apart. Over time we have grown to distrust each other to the point of outright telling each other we were scared of each other today. How sad that two people could move to such extremes in life. In the midst of the conversation the negative emotions of anger, fear, distrust,stubbornness and retribution were boiling through my body. Love was there but was a weak voice in the background. The conversation ended and I just felt sad and hopeless. I chose to let it go, to let the emotions go and just put it out of my mind for the time being. But now that the boys are asleep and the house is quiet my mind drifts back and wonders what to think of it all. I sit down to go through the final text message from this person and it says:

For what it's worth, I would like to be friends. I hate where we are right now. I will pray for us. I will take a long look at everything I have said and done. I hope you can do and or want the same.

I honestly have mixed emotions about it. I still feel a twinge of manipulation, control or something I can't explain in it, but I also feel a sense of grace in the message. A sense that they still love me too and want to try to get past our fears of each other. So, I believe the answer here is to let go of the fear and just love this person. I will not ask anything in return or expect anything to change. All I can control here is myself and my behavior and I choose to take the path of love. I am not naive. Things will not be perfect, we are human and we have a history of not seeing eye to eye on many things. But at the core of it all we are united and loving them is loving myself, loving us all.