A winding weekend

This weekend was an interesting one. Che and I had planned months ago to do a backpacking trip in the Ozarks. I watched the weather and simply had to say no. It was going to be cold and raining the whole weekend. I knew that I would struggle to find peace in that setting so I made the difficult choice to stay home on my own. Che planned to stick it out with our Sierra club friends anyway.

So I planned out the weekend as a self-care vacation and put my plans into action. I headed to the grocery store Friday evening and bought all of the makings for my favorite healthy meals that no one else enjoys but me – Eggplant Veggie Chili, Cabbage and Sausage and lots of spinach smoothies. I noticed as I walked through the store that an old sadness had returned. I felt a strange mixture of excited and lonely. I put my hand on my heart in the check-out line and took some deep breaths. I talked to my inners and just let it be.

As it turns out my weekend of solitude ended on Saturday morning. I woke to find Che at home. The cold had been too much and his sleeping bag arrangement didn’t work out like he planned. He was disappointed about missing the adventure but we were both thankful to have some free time to spend with just the two of us.

It ended up being such a nice weekend. We took time alone to finish projects around the house and also enjoyed time to shop and watch a movie together. We were able to connect without distraction. Oh how I savor those hour long conversations over a delicious meal and slow weekend mornings.

I also had the pleasure of meeting with Lisa Bain from Joy in the Cause

We met in the little Starbucks at 91st and Yale and even though the shop was hopping with customers I had the wonderful feeling of being centered in a bubble, just the two of us, sharing our stories and dreams with each other. It is rare that you meet someone so full of optimism and compassion. I don’t think it is an accident that our paths have crossed. One of the things she said in passing was a quote her mother used to say.

“What you see if what you’re looking for.”

What a simple way to describe the thoughts that have been swirling in my mind lately.

I am so very clear that life is what we make it. Some days that feels easier than others as we all know. When the wind is knocked out of you and you want to hide it can be difficult to feel grateful to simply be living. The more I stick with self care habits, the easier it is becoming to find equilibrium again though.

Today I am thankful for a weekend full of space and opportunity

I am thankful for a relationship that can ebb and flow with circumstance

I am thankful for new friends that inspire me

I am thankful for the upcoming holiday to visit with extended family and spend quality time with the boys.

I am thankful for breath.. for life.. for laughter and tickle fights.. for the energy that moves within us all.

I Love you my sweet friends


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

When things fall apart

When your heart burns with sadness and fear is thumping in your gut. 

When your shakes give you away.

When happiness makes you sad

What do you do?

What is the next right step when anxiety and overwhelm is blinding you to the path ahead?

Breathe

Say I love you

Over

And

Over

And

Over

Until your heart feels it

Be there for yourself

Take as long as you need 

And just be with it all

Sometimes it's all you can do

Just be and love yourself

And maybe that will begin to open the door in a way that makes the world feel safe again. 

Audio book report

So I downloaded a new audible book last night. I have always loved Amy Poehler on SNL and Parks and Rec.

This morning I listened to the first part of her book on the morning commute. 

She's funny as usual but what I love most is her honest look at creativity. 

The key to creative success is to simply "do the thing" you want to do.

Talking about something is not the thing. The doing is the thing. The way you do the thing, is you just have to do the thing."

Oh I feel this these days. I've been teetering on burnout and trying to keep my spirit afloat through the shifting seasons and growing to do list. 

I know in the end there really is no safe ground where life feels awesome every single day. I do know that when I show up as I am with honesty and grace, things keep moving and growing like I want. Even on hard days there are bright moments and ridiculously funny moments. I'm thankful for that.

Here's to showing up as you and doing the best you can. 

Eliza Louise is here!

She arrived last night at 10:55 weighing 9 lbs and 5oz 20.5" long. 

She took her time getting here but everyone is healthy and happy today. 

Welcome to the world sweet girl. You are loved by so many and I can't wait to watc you grow and learn.

Slow down little camper

Last night I was in a flurry cleaning up my art space. Tidying here and there and getting things just right. Roland came in and asked if we could read together. I so wanted to honor his request but I also really wanted to finish what I was doing. “Five minutes” I said and went back to cleaning. I felt the tug, the rush to quickly get it done and the struggle to stop and join the boys on the couch to read. As I sat there, I felt my energy as chaotic and frenzied. And then I picked up my book and read this passage. 

“So many of us try to fill every second with noise or clutter or thoughts that clamor to be spoken even before we have finished our last sentence or before we have really listened to the one speaking to us.

When you slow down enough to regularly experience this flow, you will find that serendipitous moments begin to happen more often, and your intuition leads you to the people and places you need to connect with.

It’s wonderful to dream big but it’s also easy to get ahead of ourselves. Creative people are often buzzing with ideas, jumping ahead of themselves with excitement over an epiphany, only to wish later that they had slowed down a little, thought thrings through or waited for the right opportunity to let their idea bloom.

Sometimes our brilliant ideas are like little rough stones and we need to polish them for a while to see the fiery opal inside.

Patience, grasshopper, patience. I feel your creative yearnings. I feel them in my heart. 

Cultivate the stillness within and know that it’s all possible.”

 Tracy Verdugo Paint Mojo

 

Well that was exactly what I needed to hear. Life is so full of possibility and I find myself rushing from one thing to another even when I don’t need to be. Today I have practiced slowing down. Even as I type these words, I am choosing to move my fingers slower and be more conscious with my words. It feels better (and I make less mistakes. Nice!) 

Rushing is an old pattern that adds to anxiety and stress.

I am noticing that the slower pace feels REALLY GOOD in my body and my spirit.

I even stopped on my lunch run to notice the sway grass blowing in the downtown wind. It was a beautiful calming moment that I would have normally run right by.

I also see the gift in my ability to multi-task and get things done quickly. The balance is saving that ability for the true emergencies!

I love how the universe swoops in sometimes and points you to just the right message. Thank you Tracy for writing such a lovely book and thank you Roland for asking to sit by me and read. It’s one of my favorite things to do with you.

Let loose the fierce color of change

This morning as I drove the boys to school I noticed the first fall leaf suctioned to my car window. 

Something about it struck me and I stopped for a moment to pull over to take a picture.

I was struck by the beauty of letting go. The fierce burst of color before the leaves take their plunge to the ground. Fall does this me. I can feel an earthquake of energy shifting inside, desperately trying to let loose what no longer serves me.

The old record plays…

Here we go again, you moody girl. When will you ever find peace and calm?

And now a new tune plays…

Let it flow

Shake it loose

Breathe and observe

Watch the cycle and change it

one small terrifying step at a time

Smile and remember you are pure sunshine

Around Here - Fall Edition

Have you felt the chill in the air or noticed the subtle yellow tinge to the leaves these days? Summer is gone and fall is upon us. The shifting always causes me to reflect and set new plans for the coming season. The past few months have been full of celebration, growth and creativity. That makes me happy. Here's what we've been up to.

Che and I journeyed to New Mexico to backpack at the Wild Rivers Recreation Area of the Rio Grande Del Norte National Monument with the Sierra Club from OKC. We took our time and split up the drive, enjoying the scenery and stopping as we pleased. We made amazing friends that we hope to see again on future trips and took in the restorative beauty of mother nature. We camped at the top of the gorge for two nights and then along the Rio Grande river for two nights. We got absolutely filthy, absorbed the constant scent of pinion trees and sage, hiked about 15 miles (including a 1,000 foot climb up and down the gorge), laughed till our belly's hurt, found petroglyphs, learned how to cook meals with a tiny stove and metal bowl, learned about nature (did you know Ponderosa Pine trees smell like vanilla?), and yes I may have done some yoga where two rivers meet, that's kind of awesome! It was an incredible trip and I will never forget how amazing that hotel shower felt after 5 days in the wilderness.

On our way to Wild Rivers we stopped in Taos and visited the Earthship Biotecture Headquarters. We were even able to go inside some of these incredible structures. I fell in love. Building one of these technologically and environmentally progressive homes is now on my bucket list.

At home we have been doing a lot of celebrating!

Dylan and Hayden both have birthdays in September. Dylan is now 15 and Hayden 9.

Hayden and Dylan are both proud new owners of wheeled goodies. A new skateboard for Dylan and a sweet Schwinn scooter for Hayden. I love that the weather is perfect right now for getting out and enjoying them.

Che's granddaughter turned 6 and we've had two showers for the coming grand babies.

I am loving this new grandparent role. These girls are adorable and fun and I soak up every chance I get to spend time with them.

Roland has joined Boy Scouts! He went on his first campout last weekend and is learning so much about responsibility. I am thankful he has found an activity he can enjoy with his friends that has so many great benefits. There is even a chance he could travel to Hawaii next summer with his troop. Awesome!

Last week I received news that my step-brother passed on to the other side. I have not seen him in years and knew his life was challenging to say the least. Hearing of his death, brought me great sadness and allowed me to see into my own dark places. I am thankful for the therapy I have done over the years to learn how to love those heavy places inside of myself. I chose to paint out some of those feelings onto canvas. Once I finished I felt a peace and calm that I had not experienced in a few days. I wish my step-brother peace on his journey and pray that his soul can find rest. 

Once the painting flood gates opened, I couldn't turn them off. I finished a piece that I've been working on for a few months and my very dear friend is going to keep it safe for me over her fireplace. What an honor.

A few weeks ago I met up with some friends and set a new personal record at the See Jane Run 5k in Wichita. This the the first 5k I've done in under 30 minutes and I came in first in my age division. What??? I won a "run happy" sports bottle and socks. I wear them proudly.

I have rekindled my love for Yoga and started a home practice using Tara Stiles stralayoga videos. They are all about FEELING GOOD while you move; Opening and saying yes.

I have been Reading Paint Mojo by Tracy Verdugo and just finished The Signature of All Things by Elizabeth Gilbert. I found a free trial of Audible and started listening to Signature on my runs. I love it. I found myself eager to get out on the trail so I could enjoy the next part of the story - A double win.

This month I also said goodbye to the little condo that we called home after the divorce. I am thankful for that space and for the lessons learned in owning it. 

Poppy's Playhouse is rockin' along. I have two upcoming terrarium potting parties (one at the Retro Den in October - YES!) and a Dream catcher class in the works. I decided to go BIG with the dream catcher and used a hula hoop as the outer ring. Oh this is fun!

Jamestown Revival is a new to me band I found on Spotify. They are a blues/folk mix and I'm loving them. Check them out!